Dirty Bertie: My Joke Book

Dirty Bertie: My Joke Book is a 2007 joke book.

Stinky Stuff
This section is full of jokes about stinky things like farts, poop, wees and skunks and jokes about stinkiness/dirtiness in general.
 * How many times did Bertie parp during class today? Just a phew.
 * What part did Bertie get in the school play? Peter Pong.
 * Darren: Bertie, can you break wind softly? Bertie: It's a breeze.
 * What do you get when Bertie blows off in the woods? The Wind in the Willows.
 * Mum: Why are you taking so long in the toilet, Bertie? Bertie: I'm writing a poo-em.
 * Where does Bertie go to the loo when he's camping? In a tee-pee.
 * Why should you leave Bertie's trainers well alone? They're not to be sniffed at.
 * What's the difference between Bertie and a muddy young goat? None, they're both dirty kids.
 * How did the toilet feel after Dirty Bertie came out? A little flushed.
 * What happened when Bertie crawled under a cow? He got a pat on the head.
 * What are Dirty Bertie's favorite clothes? Dung-arees.
 * What do you get if you cross Dirty Bertie with an owl? Someone who smells and doesn't give a hoot.
 * Why is Bertie's packed lunch so stinky? It's passed its smell-by date.
 * What does Bertie like doing best after school? Watching smell-i-vision.
 * Has anyone seen Dirty Bertie's pants? No, but we've just got wind of them.
 * Bertie: What's the only poo that doesn't smell? Eugene: I don't know. Bertie: Shampoo!
 * Know-all Nick: You know, Bertie, you should be a weather forecaster when you grow up. Bertie: Why's that? Bertie: 'Cause you're an expert on wind.
 * Bertie's top ten stinky jokes: 1. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. 2. What do you get if you cross a birthday cake with a tin of baked beans? A cake that blows out its own candles. 3. What do you call a very windy dinosaur? A stinkosaurus. 4 Where do very windy dinosaurs live? Jurassic Parp. 5. Who's the smelliest ape in the world? King Pong. 6. What flies through the air and stinks? A smellicopter. 7. What do you call a fairy who smells? Stinkerbell. 8. What did the skunk say when the wind changed direction? "It's all coming back to me now". 9. What kind of fur do you get from a skunk? As fur away as possible. 10. Why do giraffes have very long necks? Because their feet are so stinky.
 * Eugene: I think I know a joke about something really smelly. Bertie: Go on, then. Eugene: I'm trying to stink of it!

My Pet Whiffer
This section is full of jokes about dogs.
 * How do you get Whiffer to run a race? Shout, "One, Two, Flea, Go!"
 * How did Whiffer get all those fleas on him? They itch-hiked.
 * What happens when Whiffer's fleas get angry? They get hopping mad.
 * Does Whiffer get confused easily? Yes, he's always barking up the wrong flea.
 * What did one of Whiffer's fleas say to another of his fleas? "Shall we walk or shall we take the dog?"
 * What did Whiffer say to his bone? "It's been nice gnawing you."
 * What did Whiffer say when he sat on some sandpaper? "Ruff."
 * What do you get when Whiffer sits under a tree? Bark.
 * Why is Whiffer like a rainstorm? They both make lots of puddles.
 * How do you stop Whiffer from breaking wind in the back seat of a car? Put him in the front seat.
 * Bertie: Where do fleas go in the winter? Whiffer: Search me.
 * Bertie's top 10 dog jokes: 1. What sort of dog has no tail? A hot dog. 2. What sort of dog is good at looking after children? A baby setter. 3. Have you got any dogs going cheap? No, all mine go "Woof". 4. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to a barking place? 5. What do you call a group of very boring spotty dogs? 101 Dull-matians. 6. What do you get if you cross a dog with a hen? Pooched eggs. 7. What kind of dog is always in a hurry? A dash-hound. 8. What kind of stories do dogs like? Furry tales. 9. What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You might step in a poodle. 10. What wears a coat in the winter and pants all summer? A dog!
 * Eugene: I once heard a really good joke about a dog! Bertie: I'm waiting... Eugene: I've fur-gotten it.

School and Stuff
This section is full of jokes about school.
 * How does Miss Boot guess what's going on in Bertie's head? She knows what he's stinking.
 * Miss Boot: Bertie, please spell the word 'weather'. Bertie: W-E-V-A-R. Miss Boot: That's the worst spell of weather we've ever had.
 * Why has Miss Boot gone cross-eyed? She can't control her pupils.
 * What do you get if you meet Mr Grouch on a dark night? The school scaretaker.
 * Bertie: Miss, would you punish someone for something they hadn't done? Miss Boot: Of course not. Bertie: Oh, good--I haven't done my homework.
 * Miss Boot: Bertie, why are you eating your homework? Bertie: You said it was a piece of cake.
 * What is Bertie doing in the school library? Looking for bookworms.
 * Miss Boot: Bertie, what is easy to get into but difficult to get out of? Bertie: Trouble.
 * Why did Dirty Bertie spread glue on his head? He thought it would help things stick in his mind.
 * Bertie's top ten school jokes: 1. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils! 2. Why are school chips like a history lesson? Because you get to discover ancient grease. 3. Why did the teacher turn all the lights on? Because her class was so dim. 4. Miss Darling: Name two days that start with 'T'. Donna: Today and tomorrow. 5. What do ghost teachers give their pupils to do? Moanwork. 6. Why did the maths teacher take a ruler to bed with him? He wanted to see how long he would sleep. 7. Pupil: Teacher, teacher, my pen's run out. Teacher: Well, go and chase after it, then. 8. Have you heard the one about the pupil who only had a bath once a year? He was in a class of his own. 9. What is a maths teacher's favorite creature? An adder. 10. What is a history teacher's favorite fruit? Dates.
 * Bertie: Eugene, didn't you know the school bell's gone? Eugene: Oh no, who stole it?

Mind Your Manners
This section has jokes about being polite and not being polite.
 * Mum: Bertie, don't put your fingers in the soup! Bertie: It's all right, Mum, it isn't hot!
 * Why is Bertie eating his dinner with a spade? He likes to shovel it down.
 * How does Whiffer eat his dinner? He wolfs it down.
 * Why has Dirty Bertie got holes in his underpants? So he can get his feet through them!
 * Mum: Bertie, why do you keep scratching yourself? Bertie: No one else knows where I itch.
 * Dad: Bertie, why are you staring at the alphabet? Bertie: I'm minding my Ps and Qs.
 * How does Bertie eat a turkey dinner? He just gobbles it down.
 * Why is Bertie eating his lunch like a football match? There's a lot of dribbling.
 * What does Bertie say at parties? "Happy Burp-day!"
 * Bertie: What do you get if you wiggle your fingers in a glass of milk? Eugene: I don't know. Bertie: A handshake.
 * Bertie: What's yellow, brown and hairy? Eugene: I don't know. Bertie: Cheese on toast on the carpet.
 * What happened when Bertie burped in front of the Queen? She gave him a Royal Pardon.
 * Bertie's top ten not very polite jokes: 1. What lies on your plate and tells you to shut up? Rude food. 2. What do you get if you wipe your nose on the arms of your jumper? Greensleeves. 3. What do you call a reindeer who won't say please and thank you? Rude-olph. 4. What did the father ghost say to the baby ghost? "Only spook when you're spooken to!" 5. What did the mummy monster say to the little monster? "Don't talk with someone in your mouth!". 6. Who shouted, "Knickers!" at the Big Bad Wolf? Little Rude Riding Hood. 7. Which queen always burped at the dinner table? Queen Hic-toria. 8. Which king used to blow off at the table? Richard the Lionfart. 9. What colour is a burp? Burple. 10. What is the best thing to put in a birthday cake? Your teeth.
 * Eugene: I know a joke about a funny taste. Bertie: What's that? Eugene: It's on the tip of my tongue.

Creepy Crawlies!
This is a section for jokes about bugs and lizards.
 * Suzy: Bertie, what's this fly doing in my soup? Bertie: The front crawl, I think.
 * How did Bertie create his flea circus? He started from scratch.
 * What happened to Bertie's flea circus? Whiffer came along and stole the show.
 * Where did Bertie take the sick wasp? To the waspital.
 * Why can't Bertie trust his pet worm? He always wriggles out of everything.
 * Suzy: Bertie, are those nits dancing in your hair? Bertie: Yes, they're having a louse-warming party.
 * Suzy: Bertie, are you giving those nits breakfast? Bertie: It's just a bowl of lice krispies.
 * Suzy: Bertie, there are fleas running down your arm! Bertie: They're having a flea-legged race.
 * Suzy: Bertie. why are you watching two flies playing football on a saucer? Bertie: They're practicing for the cup.
 * Suzy: Bertie, why is there an insect standing guard outside your bedroom door? Bertie?: Oh, that's my sentry-pede.
 * Suzy: Bertie, why have you named your lizard 'Tiny'? Bertie: Because he's my newt.
 * Suzy: Bertie, why have you put a frog in my bed? Bertie: Well, I couldn't find a worm!
 * Bertie's top ten bug jokes: 1. What do you call a very stupid head louse? A nitwit. 2. What's the definition of a slug? A homeless snail. 3. What's the definition of a caterpillar? A worm in a fur coat. 4. What do you call an evil flying insect? A Baddy Long Legs. 5. What did the firefly say when he flew to the loo? "When you gotta glow, you gotta glow." 6. Why is the letter 't' important to a stick insect? Because without it, he'd be a stick insect. 7. What did the spider say when its web broke? "Darn it!" 8. What do earwigs sing at football matches? "Earwig-go, earwig-go, earwig-go!". 9. What do you call a bee who is always complaining? A grumble bee. 10. Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er.
 * Eugene: I know a good insect joke? Bertie: Can you remember it this time? Eugene: No, and it's really bugging me.

Everything You Need to Nose
This section is for jokes about noses and snot.
 * What's the difference between a bogey and a green bean? Bertie doesn't eat green beans.
 * What did Bertie's nose say to him? "Stop picking on me!"
 * What are Bertie's favorite crisps? Sneeze and onion flavor.
 * Is it possible to stop Dirty Bertie from smelling? Yes - hold his nose.
 * Why do apples on trees remind Bertie of bogeys? They're fresh, green and ready to pick.
 * Why did Dirty Bertie stick his head out of the car window? So the wind would blow his nose.
 * What do you get if you cross Whiffer with Bertie's nose? A sniffer dog.
 * What do you get if you cross Bertie's nose with a bag of sweets? Pick 'n' mix.
 * What did Bertie's nose say to Bertie's hanky? "Well, blow me!"
 * Nick: Bertie, you must have been made upside-down? Bertie: How do you know that? Nick: Cos your nose runs and your feet smell!
 * Bertie's top ten nose jokes: 1. Who is the boss of the hankies? The handker-chief! 2. What's big, scary and gets up your nose? The Bogey Man. 3. What did one ear say to the other ear? "There's something between us that smells." 4. Why were the nose and the handkerchief always fighting? They couldn't meet without coming to blows. 5. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? 'Snot fair! 6. What did the nose shout at the auditions for the school play? "Pick me, pick me!" 7. Knock, knock. Who's there? Nose. Nose who? Nose anyone with a tissue? 8. What's green and hangs off trees? Giraffe snot. 9. Why do gorillas have such big noses? Well, have you seen the size of their fingers? 10. What did one nose sing to the other nose? "For sneeze a jolly good fellow!"
 * Eugene: I think I know a joke about a runny nose. Bertie: Get on with it, then. Eugene: Oh, no--I've blown it again.

What a Load of Rubbish!
This is a section of jokes that have to do with rubbish and things related to rubbish.
 * What did Whiffer say when the dustcart ran over his tail? "It won't be long now".
 * Where's Bertie taking all that rubbish on his bicycle? He's recycling it.
 * What pet insect does Bertie keep in his bin? His litter bug.
 * Dustman: There are ten flies on that dustbin. If I swat one of them, how many will there be? Bertie: Just the dead one!
 * Mum: Bertie, why are you carrying heaps of stinking rubbish into your bedroom? Bertie: Because you said my room was a dump!
 * Knock, knock. Who's there? Bin. Bin who? Bin anywhere nice for your holidays?
 * What happened to the dustman who complained that he hadn't got anything to put the rubbish in? He got the sack.
 * Miss Skinner: Bertie, what do you want to be when you're older? Bertie: A rubbish collector. Miss Skinner: But you haven't got any experience. Bertie: Don't worry, I'll pick it up as I go along.
 * Bertie: When I grow up, I want to drive a dustcart! Miss Darling: Well, I won't stand in your way!
 * Bertie's top ten dustmen jokes: 1. Why did the dustman marry the cleaner? She swept him off his feet. 2. First dustcart driver: Are my indicators working? Second dustcart driver: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. 3. Why do dustmen never accept invitations? Because they are refuse men. 4. Why are dustmen dirty? Because they lead a life of grime. 5. Did you hear the one about the empty rubbish bin? There's nothing in it. 6. Why was the dustman only wearing one glove? The weather forecast said on the one hand it might be hot and on the other hand it might be cold. 7. Did you hear the one about the two roadsweepers who shared a room? They were broommates. 8. What did one dustbin say to the other dustbin? "Put a lid on it!" 9. Why was the road cleaner shampooing his broom? He wanted a clean sweep. 10. What is a dustman's favourite dance? The can-can.
 * Eugene: I know a joke about a heap of litter. Bertie: So tell me! Eugene: It was a load of rubbish, I couldn't repeat it.

My Family
This is a section of jokes about Bertie's family and families in general.
 * What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends? Mum and Dad!
 * Mum: Bertie, why have you got a mouse in your tub? Bertie: You said I had to get squeaky clean.
 * Dad: Bertie, stop picking bogeys and putting them in your mouth! Bertie: Well, you said I had to eat my greens.
 * Dad: Bertie, what do you want to be when you grow up? Bertie: Filthy rich!
 * Mum: Bertie, every time you are naughty I get one grey hair. Bertie: Mum, you must have been really naughty when you were a child. Look at Gran's hair!
 * Bertie: Gran, your tights are all wrinkled! Gran: I'm not wearing any!
 * Mum: Bertie, I told you to put a clean pair of socks on every day. Bertie: Yes, but now it's the end of the week and I can't get my shoes on!
 * Suzy: What do you mean by telling everyone I'm an idiot? Bertie: Sorry, I didn't know it was meant to be a secret.
 * Suzy: If you eat any more icecream, you'll burst. Bertie: OK, pass the ice cream and duck.
 * Why are Bertie's gran's false teeth like stars? Because they only come out at night.
 * Suzy: Where are you going? Bertie: To the cinema. Suzy: What, with dirt all over your face? Suzy: No, with Eugene!
 * Bertie: Gran, why do you cover up your mouth when you sneeze? Gran: So I can catch my false teeth.
 * Bertie's top ten family jokes: 1. What do you call a very small parent? A mini-mum. 2. What do ghosts call their mums and dads? Trans-parents. 3. Where do monsters drop their kids off when they're working? Child scare centres. 4. Why were the ancient Egyptians confused? Because their daddies were mummies. 5. What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? "Go to sweep." 6. Why was the biscuit crying? Because his mother had been a wafer so long. 7. Why was the little ant confused? Because his uncles were ants. 8. Why was the baby strawberry crying? His parents were in a jam. 9. What do you call a cannibal who eats his mother's sisters? An aunt-eater. 10. Knock, knock. Who's there? Granny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Granny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Granny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aunt you glad I got rid of all those grannies?
 * Eugene: I was about to tell you a great joke about my family but I changed my mind. Bertie: Good, does the new one work any better?
 * Mr Grouch: Will the person who took my ladder return it to me immediately. Otherwise, steps will be taken.

Trivia

 * Bertie got some of the jokes from other people (one from Know-it-all Nick) and made up some others. He believes his own jokes to be the funniest.
 * Bertie's mother asked him to leave some of the ruder jokes out, but he put them in anyway.
 * Some of the jokes came from Gran. He thought they were a bit old because "all her jokes come from the Stone Age" but put them in anyway.
 * Before the jokes, there's a limerick: There once was a young boy called Bertie, Whose ears were incredibly dirty. When Mum came to look, For potatoes to cook, Behind Bertie's ears, she found thirty. This is a reference to the joke people sometimes make to children with dirty ears that their ears are so dirty you could grow potatoes behind them.
 * After the jokes, Bertie says, "Heads and shoulders, cheesy toes, cheesy toes. Heads and shoulders, cheesy toes, cheesy toes. Eyes and ears and a finger up your nose. Heads and shoulders, cheesy toes, cheesy toes". This is a reference to the nursery rhyme Heads and Shoulders, Knees and Toes.