Dirty Bertie: Fleas!

Dirty Bertie: Fleas! is a 2006 book.

Fleas
Bertie is reading his comic book at the table and scratching himself all over his body. His mother asks him why he has to "do that", and at first he doesn't understand, but when she explains, he tells her he's itchy. Then he continues scratching and reading and his mother asks what is "wrong" with him and he says that he is itchy all over. She takes a look at him and is shocked to see that he has been bitten by a flea. This shocks Suzy and their father. Bertie wants to know where the fleas are and his mother shows him the bites. Suzy moves her chair away from Bertie's and then runs off to the bathroom, fearing that she will catch or has caught fleas off him. Their father wonders how Bertie got fleas and the mother says that she can guess, and spots Whiffer asleep on an armchair, scratching himself in his sleep.

Bertie comes over and sees several fleas hopping around on Whiffer. His mother sees them too, which shocks her. His father says it's enough to start a flea circus, and Bertie asks what that is. His father replies that it's fleas performing, which inspires Bertie to start a flea circus of his own. Bertie's mother takes Whiffer by the collar and drags him off the armchair, noting that they have to do something as fleas spread and they also lay eggs. This makes the father itchy and he asks how to get rid of them. The mother, leading Whiffer outside, says that you can bathe dogs with flea shampoo, but both parents refuse when Bertie offers to do it. His mother says that Whiffer will have to go to the vets and suggests that the father do it. He says no, on account that he has work to do and he has bad memories of the last time Whiffer went to the vet and spat his pill out three times. However, the mother cannot take Whiffer to the vet as she has to take Suzy shopping. The father reluctantly agrees to take Whiffer.

When Suzy and her mother leave, Bertie creeps out the back door with a toothbrush and a matchbox. He goes up to Whiffer and uses the toothbrush to collect a few fleas in the matchbox. Bertie's father, who's busy working on his computer, calls him in and asks if he's busy. Bertie says he isn't particularly busy, to which his father asks if he wants to take Whiffer to the vets. At first, Bertie isn't keen, but gets interested when his father says he will pay him and agrees when he says he will pay him five pounds. His father then states that he doesn't get paid until after it's done and he must take Gran along.

When Bertie gets to Gran's house, she asks him to come in but he says he'd better not and explains the situation, spelling out the word "vets" so that Whiffer won't understand. But she doesn't understand either, so he whispers, "the vets". Gran replies, "Oh, the vets!", then asks why he is whispering. Bertie says it's so Whiffer won't understand because he hates the vets. She then goes to get her coat. On the way, Gran asks what is wrong with Whiffer, to which Bertie says that there is nothing really wrong with him, he just has fleas. This shocks Gran. Suddenly, Whiffer lies down. Bertie thinks it's because his grandmother mentioned going to the vets. He tries calling him but he doesn't get up. They try pulling him along, but he digs his paws in.

They think for a bit and then Bertie shouts, "Maggots!". Gran is worried that Bertie has a "harebrained idea" and notes that Whiffer has fleas already. Bertie explains that his father uses maggots to attract fish while fishing, so they need something for Whiffer to go after. Gran is not sure about this plan, but Bertie just asks for her keys. Ten minutes later, Bertie is wearing his helmet and roller blades and pulling Gran's shopping bag. He takes out some sausages from the bag she was saving for supper and she asks him what they are going to do. Bertie explains that he will skate along holding the sausages and Whiffer will chase him because he loves sausages, while Gran will hold Whiffer's lead and prevent him from catching the sausages. Gran thinks it's a "barmy" idea but goes along with it anyway. The plan works at first (despite Gran having a hard time catching up and people staring at the crazy sight), but then Whiffer starts barking, which attracts the attention of an Alsatian at Number 12 Riddle Road, who joins in the chase upon seeing the sausages. So do a terrier at Number 47 and a mutt at 72, who also like sausages and chasing.

They go into the vets, and Bertie bumps into a receptionist who spills paper everywhere. The vet throws the three extra dogs out, but they wait outside. The receptionist blames Bertie and doesn't listen when he explains they're not his dogs. Gran is grumpy too, due to being very thirsty, but Bertie is satisfied because he at least got Whiffer to the vets. Bertie looks around at the other pets: a parrot, a hamster, a snake and a poodle. The poodle's owner asks what's wrong with Whiffer. Bertie replies that Whiffer is fine and that he just has a few fleas. He tries to show her, but the woman backs away and tells her dog (whose name is Fifi) to stay away from the "filthy fleabag". Bertie says that Whiffer is not filthy as he had a bath last month, but the woman changes seats. Bertie is still offended by the lady calling Whiffer a filthy fleabag and hopes that he passed a few fleas onto Fifi. A man comes in, carrying a fat ginger cat, which the Alsatian chases. Then, Whiffer and the terrier try to eat the sausages again and the parrot flies around, saying, "Give us a kiss!". As Bertie tries to catch Whiffer, Mr Cage comes in, hearing the parrot and the noises of running animals, and then the cat scratches him, Whiffer jumps up on him, which knocks him down, then the cat and the dogs run around him in circles. Bertie asks about the fleas, but Mr Cage doesn't answer.

Back at Bertie's house, his father, who's still working on the computer, asks if he got Whiffer to the vets and told the vet about the fleas. Bertie says yes, because he technically did. He then tries to tell his father about how the vet didn't give him any information, but his father cuts him off and pays him, telling him not to tell his mother. Bertie decides his parents will find out soon enough and plans to buy a trapeze.

Dare
Bertie's class is being taught by Mr Weakly, who he's just met, because Miss Boot is sick. Bertie doesn't know what is wrong with Miss Boot, but figures she has a sore throat from yelling too much. He and Darren are playing the dare game, because Mr Weakly is much less easily angered than Miss Boot. Darren had dared Bertie to burp loudly and Bertie had dared Darren to play dead, which had prompted Mr Weakly to ask them not to be silly. Darren is thinking of a dare, remembering how Bertie has always taken really hard dares like shouting, "Pants!" during assembly, and trying to think of a dare that Bertie won't do. He then dares him to lock Mr Weakly in the store room. Bertie wonders if Mr Weakly is afraid of the dark and is not so sure about it, but decides that he wouldn't break a dare and agrees to do it.

When Mr Weakly asks the class to copy some questions into their workbooks, Bertie raises his hand and lies that he has run out of space in his workbook. Mr Weakly asks what he normally does, and Bertie tells him that Miss Boot keeps workbooks in the store room and that the key is in the drawer. Mr Weakly goes off, trying to thank Bertie, but forgetting his name. When he's in the store room, Bertie slams the door, locking him in. This startles the rest of the class, even Darren, who's surprised that Bertie would take the dare. When Darren asks him what he's going to do, Bertie worries, along with the rest of the class, that Mr Weakly will get very angry. Donna and Know-it-all Nick think that Bertie will get in trouble, but Bertie asks how Mr Weakly is to know that it was him who locked him up. Mr Weakly knocks on the door and states that it isn't funny and he will count to three. He does, but nothing happens. The students all agree that Mr Weakly needs to be let out but neither of them wants to do it for fear of getting into trouble.

Then, Bertie gets into the teacher's chair, puts on Mr Weakly's glasses and jacket, and tells his classmates to keep working. This amuses Donna, who says he looks like a teacher. Bertie says that he is a very strict teacher and that if they don't finish their work, they will be staying in for playtime. This makes his classmates laugh. While pretending that Nick smells bad, Nick points out that Miss Skinner would get them into trouble if she found out. This scares Bertie, who decides to just let Mr Weakly out and rush back to his seat, but when he looks for the key, he cannot find it. At first, Darren thinks he's joking, but he believes him when he shows them a hole in the lining. Bertie and Darren search, along with Donna, but then a car pulls over and a woman comes up. Nick says that she is an inspector.

The class worry, then Donna suggests that Bertie pretend to be Mr Weakly. At first, Bertie thinks this is a bad idea, but starts to think it's a good idea when Donna points out that the inspector has probably never met Mr Weakly. Bertie tells the other children to sit down and they comply. The inspector walks up to Bertie, introduces herself as Miss Barker, and asks where the teacher is. Bertie says he is the teacher, but Miss Barker doesn't believe him on account that he looks far too young. She asks how old he is and he says that he is seventeen. She says that is too young to be a teacher, but he says that he got the job because he is "more cleverer" than normal. Miss Barker is about to reply when she hears the banging and asks what it is. Bertie lies that it is Miss Todd from next door, who bangs on the walls when she's angry. This shocks Miss Barker, who asks Bertie to get on with the lesson he's teaching. Bertie wonders what to teach, wondering if he could draw fleas, then decides to do sums. He asks Darren what two plus two is and Darren answers correctly (four) but accidentally calls him Bertie. Bertie then asks Eugene, who also calls him Bertie, what three times two is. He correctly answers six. Bertie then asks Nick what 2,740 times 7 million is, which Nick doesn't know. Bertie assigns Nick extra homework. Mr Weakly calls for help, and Miss Barker is convinced there's somebody behind the door. She walks up and talks to Mr Weakly, asking what he's doing. Mr Weakly replies that he's locked in. She says she will fetch a teacher but he says he is a teacher and that he's Mr Weakly. This confuses Miss Skinner, who looks around but sees only the jacket and glasses, and not Bertie. Bertie had escaped and then found the key in his other pocket. Nick alerts Miss Barker that Bertie has something to show her. The next day, Miss Boot has recovered and is back teaching. She asks Bertie to get paint brushes from the store cupboard, but he doesn't want to, presumably because he fears someone will lock him in.

Fire
Bertie and Darren are jumping in autumn leaves, when Mr Grouch, the caretaker, comes up and yells at them to stop. Bertie apologises and states that they were only playing, but Mr Grouch tells them not to play where he's working. Bertie points out that the area is a playground, but Mr Grouch thinks he is joking. When Bertie explains he isn't, Mr Grouch shoos the boys away. Darren asks Bertie what they should do, but Bertie isn't listening because he is watching something in the distance. It is a fire engine, which comes into the school.

A woman in uniform comes out and Darren and Bertie follow. Bertie asks if the school is on fire, almost wanting it to be. The woman says it isn't and introduces herself as Val and asks Bertie's name. Bertie introduces himself and asks if Val is a fireman. She replies that she is a fire fighter and is coming to visit. Mr Grouch tells Val not to park there as it's in his way, but she says that it's where Miss Skinner asked her to park. Val asks if she's in trouble, and Bertie says that a way to get into trouble is to jump in leaves. Bertie is very happy at the fire crew's visit, they teach him to dial 999, and what to do in case of a fire.

Outside, Bertie and his friends try on fire helmets, try out turning the red light on, and helping uncoil the hose. Bertie asks if they can turn it on, but Val says that they are only allowed to do that in event of a real fire. Bertie wishes he could save the school from a real fire and imagines it. At lunchtime, Bertie and his friends look at the fire engine. Bertie wants to play on it, but Eugene points out that Miss Boot disallowed them, however, Bertie thinks that leaving a fire engine out but not allowing people to play on it is "cruelty". Know-it-All Nick then tells them that he has ridden in his uncle's fire engine hundreds of times. Bertie doesn't believe him and asks why he has never seen him. Nick just shrugs and states that he will ask him to drive past Bertie's house next time. Bertie then boasts that he and his friends have their own fire engine and don't want to ride in Nick's and then he, Donna, Darren and Eugene pretend to drive an imaginary fire engine. They circle five times, stopping to put out imaginary fires, and when they get bored of it, they sit down on the grass, when Nick runs up, saying that the school is on fire.

At first, they don't believe him, but then when he points out smoke, they do. They decide to get the fire crew but Nick points out that they are not in the staff room. Bertie decides that there is no time to lose looking for the fire crew and goes off. Eugene asks where he is going, and Bertie says it's to put out the fire, but Eugene asks if it's dangerous and if they should get Miss Boot. Bertie says that Miss Boot is no use as she is not a "professional" (despite the fact that he isn't one either). He tells Darren and Donna to unwind the hose, which they do. Other children come to see what the noise is about. They drag the hose to where the smoke is coming from (the yard behind the hall) and Bertie asks Eugene to turn the hose on, which he does, and a powerful blast of water spurts out. They, with a bit of difficulty keeping the hose still, put out the fire, and Eugene, on Bertie's signal, however, they are shocked to find out that the fire was actually Mr Grouch's bonfire.

They run away, with Mr Grouch angrily chasing them and Nick telling Bertie his pants are on fire. Bertie sweeps up the wet leaves, wondering if Nick tricked him on purpose, and is wondering why Mr Grouch and Miss Boot are so angry with him. Mr Grouch lets him go home but says that he will let his parents know.

On his way home, Bertie spots Pamela from his class, looking up a tree at a white kitten. Pamela worries that the kitten is scared and Bertie offers to get her down. When she doesn't respond to his calls, he offers to climb up. Pamela notes that it's high, but Bertie says that he has climbed hundreds of trees higher than that one. He climbs the tree, but the kitten just bounces down. However, Bertie has forgotten the way down and asks Pamela to call for help. An hour later, Val gives Bertie a lift home with him giving her directions. A small crowd watches and claps when he gets out of the truck. Then, Bertie gets the idea to drive past Nick's house. Bertie jokes that someone called 999 and to go to Nick's house straight away because his pants are on fire.