Dirty Bertie: Mud!

'''Dirty Bertie: Mud! '''is a book.

Mud
Bertie is doing football practice at school, which he hates because the weather is cold and he's bad at football. Miss Boot announces that she is the new coach for the school's team and asks who wants to play on the team. Twelve students raise their hands, but Bertie is not one of them and he's trying to stay warm. Miss Boot asks who wants to be the goalie, but nobody raises their hand, until Nick pinches Bertie and he shoots his hand up, making Miss Boot think he's volunteering. When Bertie denies his ability to play, Nick claims that he's a good player and is only being modest. She asks Nick, Eugene, and Trevor if they want to be goalies, but Nick claims his ankles are weak, Eugene's mother doesn't like it when he plays football, and Trevor doesn't have any boots, so she makes Bertie the goalie. Bertie is scared, because he's never played in golf before and is bad at football at the best of times.

After practice, Bertie goes back to class with Darren, Eugene, and Donna. Nick comes by and starts his usual teasing. Bertie asks Darren if he wants to play in goal instead, but Darren says no because he is a striker, the goalie is always blamed for losses, and they will probably lose because they're playing Cropper Lane, a very competent team.

At dinner that night, Bertie complains to his parents, but they think it is a good thing and he probably is more skilful than he thinks. Mr. Burns suggests teaching Bertie a few tricks since he used to play football in the park. They try, but Bertie keeps following the instructions incorrectly, and the ball goes into the neighbours' garden and breaks something. Over the next few days, Bertie is preoccupied about the game, and has nightmares about playing against a team of Miss Boots.

On the bus, Donna and Darren try to console Bertie and Nick teases him, then when they get to the pitch it is covered in mud and puddles. Bertie assumes the game will not be happening, but it happens anyway.

During the game, Bertie plays in the mud, then gets distracted and Cropper Lane scores. He gets teased, then the game continues, and Bertie plays surprisingly well, leaving their team only one goal down, but Miss Boot still calls them pathetic at half-time. At the second half, Donna scores a goal, leaving the scores level at 1-1. Bertie then goes out of the goal and bumps into an opponent, causing a penalty, but he accidentally does a save when the ball bounces off his head. Everyone celebrates, as a draw against Cropper Lane is as good as a win. Then, Bertie throws mud at Nick.

Cheese
Bertie is running late for school, but is reluctant to go. He comes downstairs, wearing formal clothes and with his hair done. Mrs. Burns explains that it's Picture Day at school and she wants a class photo where Bertie isn't making a face. Then, she gives Bertie a bribe: if he can look formal at his class photo, she will take him to a water park called Splash City.

At school, Darren and Eugene tease Bertie for his hair and the smell of his shampoo, but Donna thinks he looks sweet. Nick, also in formal clothes, arrives and teases him, then Miss Boot calls the class in and announces that the photo will be at one.

At class, Bertie goes to class, but has lost his hanky. He crawls under his desk to look for it but accidentally kicks Nick, who tells on him and Miss Boot gives Bertie detention.

At lunchtime, Bertie spots Mr. Grouch and asks if he's seen the hanky, but Mr. Grouch grumpily tells him that anything he sees on the ground gets thrown away. Bertie climbs on a reluctant Eugene's back and searches the trash, but cannot find it. To make matters worse, he ends up knocking the bin over and onto himself, then Mr. Grouch chases the boys away.

Bertie sees Nick with a hanky and wonders if it's his, but Nick says no and shows him that the hanky has an N for Nicholas. He teases Bertie, then tells him that the hanky is in the boys' toilets. At the toilets, a water pipe has flooded.

Bertie shows up late to the photo, unfortunately still wet and dirty. Then, he finally finds his hanky, up his sleeve, and blows his nose, but unfortunately when he gets home, Mrs. Burns is angry and sends him upstairs for a bath.

Spooky
Bertie wants to camp in the garden with Darren and Eugene, but Mrs. Burns says no because he doesn't know where the tent is and the last time the three had a slumber party outdoors, they had a water fight at two AM and woke the neighbours. However, Mr. Burns tells him that the tent is in the garage and lets him camp.

The other boys arrive, and Bertie and Eugene try to pitch the tent while Darren reads a comic book. Whiffer gets in the way by pulling on a rope, and eventually the whole tent falls, so Mr. Burns goes out to put it up properly.

At night, they have brought comics, torches, food (Bertie has brought chocolate biscuits, Darren crisps, and Eugene muesli bars which the other boys dislike), and then Bertie asks if they've brought weapons. He has a pirate dagger and Darren has a space gun, but Eugene has not brought a weapon and wonders why they need them anyway. The other two begin to tease him, then they go into the garden.

Darren disappears, then jumps out roaring. This scares both his friends, but Bertie denies it and swears revenge on him.

After the boys have eaten, read their comics, and played with their torches, Bertie suggests telling ghost stories. Eugene, who is very nervous about the whole ordeal, is chosen to tell the first ghost story. He tells a version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears where the bears and their surroundings are all ghosts, prompting teasing from his friends.

Bertie then starts to tell a spooky story to try to scare Darren, but they all three hear a loud noise, which turns out to only be Mrs Burns. Later that night, Darren and Eugene have all fallen asleep, but Bertie is awake because he's cold and he's afraid of the noises outside. Something approaches and goes into the tent, but it turns out to only be Whiffer. However, Bertie is groggy and nauseous in the morning.