Dirty Bertie: Smash!

'''Dirty Bertie: Smash! '''is one of the books.

Smash
Bertie is playing football in his backyard with his two best friends Darren and Eugene, with Bertie doing the commentary. The ball flies over the fence and there is a loud smash. The boys look over the fence and see that the smash was caused by the ball flying through the Nicelys' greenhouse. Darren wants to keep playing, while Eugene points out that he wanted to go to the park, but Bertie is afraid: the greenhouse is relatively new, Mrs. Nicely loves it, and he's in her bad books because Whiffer pooped on her lawn last week. To make matters worse, she'd know he was the culprit upon seeing the ball since the Nicelys' other neighbour, Mr. Monk, probably doesn't play football.

Bertie decides the ball needs to be retrieved but the boys can't agree on who should do it: on the one hand it was Bertie who kicked the ball over, but on the other hand they were all playing and Mrs. Nicely knows where Bertie lives. Bertie suggests tossing a coin but his friends refuse, Darren because he's afraid of Mrs. Nicely shouting and Eugene because he wanted to play in the park. Bertie looks over at the Nicelys' yard and thinks that Mr. Nicely doesn't get home from work until later, but Mrs. Nicely and Angela are at home, and besides, the Nicelys have a burglar alarm.

Whiffer comes over and Bertie gets the idea of sending him next door to get the ball. Darren and, to a lesser extent, Eugene, is doubtful because Whiffer is disobedient, but Bertie gives it a go. Initially Whiffer is reluctant, but Bertie manages to send him next door by throwing a stick. However, Whiffer does not bring the ball back, instead bringing the stick back. Bertie tries again, but Whiffer brings back another stick.

Bertie then smears mud on his face as a disguise and crawls into the yard, but Mrs. Nicely comes out with a magazine and a mug of coffee and begins reading. Bertie hides between a fat angel statue and mouths, "Do something" to Darren and Eugene. They don't know what they should do, then Bertie remembers that Mrs. Nicely hates Whiffer, so he pretends to be a dog, but his friends don't catch on.

Angela comes out, grumpy because she can't find the chocolate biscuits. Mrs. Nicely, also a bit grumpy, follows her inside to help her search. With the Nicely ladies out of the way, Bertie runs away.

Angela comes back outside and Bertie asks her to retrieve the football. She annoys the boys by asking questions and demanding something in return. They manage to satiate her with a jelly snake, two fizzy bootlaces, and a half-sucked lollipop, but when she gets the ball, she wants to keep it. Mrs. Nicely then comes up and thinks Angela broke the window, so she sends her to her room and throws the ball over the fence, to the delight of the boys, who go back to playing.

Bingo
It's Friday, and Gran is over for tea. Mrs. Burns discovers a letter from school in Bertie's pocket, and she reads it. It turns out that the school is running a bingo the next night. Gran wants to go to the bingo, but Mrs. Burns has to take Suzy to dance class and suggests Gran take Bertie. Bertie is opposed to this idea since he doesn't like going to school and he thinks bingo is for "grannies". However, he becomes interested when Gran mentions that there are prizes and free pizza.

At the bingo, Gran has taken six hours to get ready, so the only available seats are next to Nick, who has an old woman with him who appears to be his grandmother. The two boys exchange insults, then the two elderly women introduce themselves. Julia, the old woman who's with Nick, is a bit snooty and has never played bingo before. Bertie looks at the prizes and finds most of them boring, but one of them is a stunt scooter, which he's always wanted. Nick, however, wants the scooter too.

Miss Boot starts the game, saying goofy rhymes for the numbers, and Bertie cannot find the numbers on his card. His luck improves, but Julia still wins. She chooses the picnic set as her prize, and then everyone starts eating the pizza. Nick tells Bertie that he can mind-control Miss Boot, and Bertie doesn't believe him but decides to keep an eye on him.

Bertie is lucky while playing, but then Nick wins and chooses the scooter. Bertie looks in Julia's handbag and finds sticky-backed numbers. He yells out that Nick has been using them to cheat. As it turns out, he has been, and he also reveals that Julia is indeed his grandmother and it was her idea. Then, Bertie is given the scooter.

Holes
Bertie is watching Mr. Burns play golf and wants a go, but Mr. Burns says no due to Bertie's clumsiness. Bertie insists, so Mr. Burns reluctantly lets him have a go. Sure enough, the ball goes everywhere. Just then, Royston arrives with his father and they boast about how good at golf Mr. Rich is. Mr. Rich challenges Mr. Burns to a golf match next Sunday, and Mr. Burns agrees. Bertie, despite believing the golf match to be "asking for trouble", wants to come, so Mr. Rich says that the boys can be the men's caddies. The Riches leave and Bertie asks Mr. Burns why he is playing golf with Mr. Rich if he hates him. Mr. Burns replies that he wants to beat Mr. Rich and teach him a lesson.

At dinner, Mrs. Burns critiques the two men's childish rivalry and both of the Burns ladies point out that Mr. Burns hasn't played golf in ages and Bertie has only played crazy golf. Mr. Burns explains that a caddy is a golfer's sort of assistant, and Bertie finds the idea boring.

At the golf place, the two men bet thirty pounds and Mr. Rich reveals that he and Royston took the last buggy. Bertie complains about having to walk (although Mr. Burns thinks it's healthier) and about the hole being too far away. Mr. Rich doesn't get the ball into the hole and Mr. Burns can't even hit his straight.

The game goes on, with Bertie finding it boring and annoying and the Riches having more luck. Bertie then finds extra golf balls in the trolley and uses them to his advantage Then, the Riches end up losing when their buggy runs over the ball.

The Burnses use their money to buy breakfast and Bertie reveals that he swapped the balls, but Mr. Burns tells him that it's not allowed.

Trivia

 * Whiffer getting taken to training classes (which happened in the story Fetch!) is mentioned again.
 * Angela alludes to the events of "Dinosaur!" by asking if they're finding dinosaur footprints.
 * Bertie remembers when his and Royston's dads argued during sports' day, which happens in the story "Run".