Dirty Bertie: Horror!

'''Dirty Bertie: Horror! '''is a book.

Horror
Gran comes over and asks the Burns family if they notice anything different. The family doesn't pick up on it, and she reveals that she's dyed her hair blonde. She explains that she wanted to look smart for the cinema, and Bertie wants to come too to watch a horror movie called Return of the Blob Thing. Gran reveals that she is bringing her new boyfriend, Reg, who she met at ballroom dancing, which surprises Bertie as he thinks she's too old to have a boyfriend. He changes his mind as he believes it would be embarrassing seeing his grandmother and her boyfriend kissing at the cinema.

Gran goes upstairs to the bathroom and Mr. Burns asks Bertie to accompany Gran and Reg to the cinema in case Reg is a golddigger, thief, or kidnapper. Bertie asks Mr. Burns to go but he doesn't want to go as she is his mother. Bertie reluctantly agrees to go.

On the way to school, Bertie tells Darren and Eugene about the situation. They're jealous because Darren can't afford to go to the cinema and Eugene's mother thinks he's too young, but they're also amused by the idea of Gran dating. When Bertie reveals that it's Gran and Reg's first date, Darren says that he once went to the cinema with his sister and her boyfriend on their first date and they started kissing.

That evening, the old couple gets ready and Bertie finds Reg's jokes annoying. When they get to the cinema, Bertie buys popcorn and a slushy and it's revealed they will be watching a romance movie called Me, You, and Bonzo Too. Bertie sits between Gran and Reg so that they won't kiss.

Bertie finds the movie boring and he keeps being told off by a woman for eating and drinking too loudly, so he decides to sneak next door and watch Return of the Blob Thing. He gets scared away and spills slushy on Reg's lap so they don't kiss, but then Reg calls Bertie an idiot, the grumpy woman speaks to the manager, and the manager asks them to leave. Reg then drives them home and dumps Gran in favour of another woman, Beryl. Bertie decides to save his five pounds Mr. Burns gave him to watch a pirate movie, while Gran eats chocolate cake.

Splodge
Miss Boot excitedly announces a school trip the next Tuesday. Bertie is excited, but groans upon hearing that they're going to the art gallery. She adds that they will be going to be seeing Sunflowers by Vincent Van Gogh (although they're calling him Van Boff for some reason). Bertie asks what the painting is worth and Miss Boot replies that it is worth millions, which causes Bertie to want to sell some of his art. At home, Mrs. Burns thinks the trip is amazing and wants to see the painting, but Bertie doesn't see the appeal.

At the art gallery, Miss Boot tells the class not to run, fight, eat sweets or crisps, and especially not to touch anything, emphasising the last point to Bertie in particular.

Bertie and his friends get put in a group led by Mr. Weakly, and Bertie wants a snack. He deliberately breaks his pencil so he can buy a new one from the shop and buy a snack while he's there, and ends up buying a water pistol too. He shows it to his friends and squirts Nick several times, but accidentally squirts the painting.

Bertie is understandably scared, but then he gets an idea: hide the real painting and draw some flowers to trick everyone. The drawing doesn't fool anyone as it's badly drawn, and Miss Boot recognises the art style. Nick then reveals what happened.

Grrr
Bertie wants a pirate telescope, but he can't afford it as he only has five pence. He decides to get a job to earn some money and goes, with Darren, to the high school to ask Darren's cousin Neil about a paper round.

Neil says that you need to be at least thirteen, but Bertie says he could pretend to be thirteen, but Neil assumes he's joking and reveals that all the rounds are taken. When Bertie reveals that he lives on Fleaman Drive, Neil says that it is on his round, so he offers the two boys a pound between them to deliver to that street and Hazel Road. They agree, but then it's revealed that Neil dreads Hazel Road.

Mrs. Burns is dubious, but allows Bertie to do the job. Bertie and Darren deliver the papers on Hazel Road quickly so as not to miss a TV show, but one house has a snarling dog named Brutus. Then, Bertie realises that he has accidentally left the bag at Brutus's house. Brutus rips open the bag and a man who owns him reveals that despite Brutus's growling and chasing, he'd never actually hurt anyone. Neil reveals that he knew about Brutus all along, so the boys give up their job.

Trivia

 * Bertie remembers going to the zoo and being stuck in the monkey cage, which happened in the story "Zoo!".
 * Bertie remembers locking Mr. Weakly in the store cupboard (in "Dare") as the only time Mr. Weakly raised his voice.