Dirty Bertie: Spider!

'''Dirty Bertie: Spider! '''is a book.

Spider
In the morning, Mrs. Burns screams loudly. The rest of the family runs upstairs where she is wrapped in a towel. It turns out to only be a spider, however, the parents and Suzy are too scared to move it (Mrs. Burns because she's scared of spiders, Suzy because she's skeeved out by creepy-crawlies in general, and Mr. Burns because he finds it intimidating to pick a spider up). Bertie, however, is fascinated, and catches it in a lunchbox. The parents send him to school and emphatically tell him he cannot keep the spider.

Bertie comes out and decides to take the spider, who he names Tickler, to Gran's house so she can look after him. However, Gran is also afraid of Tickler and rudely tells Bertie that there is no way she is looking after him.

Bertie goes to school and shows Tickler to his friends, who are impressed at his size and wonder if he's a tarantula. They warn Bertie not to let Tickler loose at school in case he is a tarantula. In class, Bertie studies and looks up tarantulas in his book. He finds out that tarantulas are larger than Tickler, but maybe Tickler is still growing.

At break time, the boys tell Royston that Tickler is a tarantula but he doesn't believe them. They show him Tickler in exchange for a fudge bar and Bertie claims that a tarantula bite causes skin to turn yellow and teeth to fall out, so Royston runs away. Then, Bertie shows off Tickler to other students in exchange for candy.

Back in class, Tickler escapes and Miss Boot catches him searching. When Bertie admits that his spider is missing, the class freaks out, but Miss Boot tells them to search on the floor. They do, and Miss Boot picks up Tickler and informs everyone that he is not a tarantula. She then tells Bertie to take Tickler away, so he does, and puts him in the boys' bathroom.

Nitwit
This story starts in the afternoon, with Gran giving Bertie a late Christmas present. It is a large, yellow jumper that Gran made, but he dislikes it because Gran is an incompetent knitter so it has holes, it is too big for him, and he hates the colour and the lamb pattern. He tries to lie that he is not allowed to wear jumpers to school, but that backfires as he often wears jumpers to school.

The next morning, all of Bertie's other jumpers are in the wash, so he has to wear his new one because it is winter. Bertie reluctantly goes to school in the jumper, suspecting that his mother was plotting against him.

At school, Eugene sees the jumper sticking out from Bertie's coat and asks what it is. He admits that it's a jumper Gran made and goes inside with his coat still on. He tries to lie that the zipper is stuck, but Miss Boot demands he remove it.

When he does, all his classmates laugh and tease, embarrassing Bertie. He tries deliberately leaving it behind at swimming lessons, but Mr. Weakly returns it to him. He tries swapping it with Darren, but he says no. Bertie tries leaving the jumper on the coach, but Nick returns it.

For the rest of the day, Bertie keeps being teased and trying to get rid of his jumper, but Nick keeps returning it and when Bertie tries throwing it in a tree, it lands on Miss Boot's head.

Then, Bertie and Darren play ball and the ball ends up lost behind a fence. Bertie retrieves the ball and gets his jumper caught on the fence, so it unravels. Unfortunately, when he gets home Gran is visiting and wants to make him a new jumper, while Mrs. Burns is disappointed.

Gold
Bertie and his friends are on their way back from the sweet shop on a Saturday, when Eugene reveals that his father bought a metal detector. When Bertie hears that it can be used to find gold, he decides that they can borrow it for a few hours and search for gold. Eugene is a bit reluctant, but agrees.

They take the metal detector to Bertie's backyard and initially disagree on who should use it first, but then Eugene does because only he can make it work. They find metal, but it's only an old toy car, then they find a rusty screw, a penny, and a swimming badge. When Eugene tells the others that there is probably Roman stuff buried underground, Bertie suggests searching in the park (even though Eugene says that in Ancient Rome it might not have been a park).

They go to the park, but Mr. Monk, who is working there, tells them that metal detectors are prohibited. They search anyway but find nothing, then they look in Mr. Monk's rose bed and find a silver coin, but Mr. Monk chases them away.

The boys are impressed with their find, but then Bertie drops it down the drain. They use a magnet to fish it out, but when they get home, Mrs. Burns tells them that the coin is not Roman, but Canadian, and has them fill in the holes they dug in the yard.

Trivia

 * Bertie remembers having to wear a kilt for his cousin's wedding, which happened in "Wedding!".