Dirty Bertie: Aliens!

Dirty Bertie: Aliens! is a book.

Aliens
Bertie, Darren, and Eugene are racing to the corner, when Bertie notices a UFO poster on the library. He looks at the poster, which turns out to be advertising a talk about aliens, which piques his interest. Darren and Eugene come over and Bertie wonders if aliens exist. Darren doubts it because nobody has met an alien before, and Eugene reveals that while he's never seen an alien, he's seen planets through his father's telescope. Bertie wants to give it a try and Eugene is unsure since his dad doesn't like anyone but himself and Eugene touching the telescope, but Darren suggests going in when Eugene's dad is away, and Eugene agrees to invite the other boys over at night.

Eugene shows Darren and Bertie how to use the telescope and Bertie and Darren argue over who gets to have a go first. They toss a coin and Darren wins. When Bertie has his turn, he thinks he sees a streak of light whizz past. The other boys think it's a shooting star, but Bertie thinks it's a UFO (the other boys, however, think he's "bonkers"). That night, he dreams about aliens invading his school and turning his classmates into aliens that look like Nick.

The next morning, Bertie wants to tell someone about the streak of light. He begs his dad to take him to the talk, so they both go, and afterwards Bertie asks Mr. Nutting, who gave the talk, if he's met an alien. Mr. Nutting says that, no, he hasn't, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. He then shows Bertie a photo that looks just like what Bertie saw. Bertie asks what it "does" and Mr. Nutting replies that if anyone figured that out, they'd be famous.

Bertie goes to the sweet shop and meets Darren and Eugene, who he tells about the "UFO man"'s words. Darren and Eugene are still doubtful that Bertie could meet aliens and Bertie says he will send the aliens a message that night.

That evening, just after sunset, Bertie flashes his torch at the sky several times and writes, "ALIENS WELCUM HERE" in stones.

The next morning, he answers the door to find what appears to be two aliens. He lets them in but doesn't tell his mother for fear of her screaming and scaring them away. In his room, Bertie asks the aliens questions and they reply with gibberish. He then goes downstairs and phones Mr. Nutting asking him to come over. He agrees, but is suspicious that it might be a joke.

Bertie gives the aliens chocolate biscuits and Mr. Nutting arrives with his friend Mr. Potts. Bertie brings the aliens down, but they're revealed by Mrs. Burns to just be Darren and Eugene in rubber masks.

Twitter
Bertie and his friends are walking home from school on a Friday. Eugene says that he and his father will be birdwatching the next day. Darren thinks that it sounds boring, but Eugene says it's fun and he saw a woodpecker, but Bertie is not keen on the idea of having to be quiet because he's often asked to be quiet at school and finds it annoying. Eugene then says that his dad said he could bring a friend, so he asks his friends if they'd like to join them. They don't want to, and Bertie is the one who has to go since Darren has football practice. Bertie reluctantly agrees to come because at least forests have trees to climb.

That afternoon, Mrs. Burns tells Bertie that Angela is coming over the next day, which seals the deal- Bertie is going birdwatching with Eugene.

The next morning, Mrs. Burns tells Bertie to be polite. Mr. Clark arrives with Eugene and shows him a book about birds. Bertie is very interested in the illustration of a hawk, especially when he learns that hawks are birds of prey. The Clarks on the other hand want to see a warbler, which Bertie thinks looks boring.

In the bird hide, it is raining and Bertie is bored. The only bird they've noticed is one sparrow. Mr. Clark tries a bird-calling whistle, and Bertie has a try with it too but plays it too loudly. He then pretends to be a hawk, which makes Mr. Clark angry.

Later, Bertie needs to urinate, so the Clarks tell him to go in the woods. He pees near a tree, then sees a little bird and feeds it crisps. Back at the bird hide, the bird is revealed to be a warbler, which makes Mr. Clark very angry. Unfortunately, Mr. Clark is still in a sulk when he drives Bertie home, and Angela has come over to the Burnses' for supper.

Report
Bertie, Darren, and Eugene are going home from school with their reports. Bertie wants to see his and wishes he could write a report about Miss Boot. The boys open their envelopes, with Eugene a bit nervous, and while Darren and Eugene have good reports, Bertie's report describes him as "messy", "idle", "never listening" and suggests his grades are getting worse. This is bad, because Mrs. Burns said she'd find him a tutor if his work doesn't improve. So Bertie posts his report, to the shock of his friends.

Then, Darren reminds Bertie that the coming Friday is Parents' Evening, so Bertie worriedly tries to get it out of the postbox when the postman arrives and demands to know what Bertie is doing. Bertie tells the postman what happened but lies that it was an accident. The postman sternly refuses to give the report to Bertie and walks off with the post.

Bertie goes home and tries to go upstairs, but Mrs. Burns sees him. He then gets the idea of writing his own report. He makes the report, but misspells several words. Bertie then lies that Miss Boot can't come to the Parents' Evening because she has laryngitis.

On Friday, Nick comes out and boasts about his good grades, then it's time for Bertie and his parents to talk. Miss Boot, of course, doesn't have laryngitis and she gets handed the fake report and quickly concludes Bertie wrote it. Not only that, but the postman sent back the real report.