Dirty Bertie: Rats!

'''Dirty Bertie: Rats! '''is a book.

Rats
At breakfast, Bertie tells his family gross facts about rats. Then, cereal spills out of a hole at the bottom of the box. Mrs. Burns asks if he did it, and when he says no, she looks in the cupboard and finds mouse droppings. She is annoyed, Suzy is disgusted, but Bertie is intrigued. Mr. Burns enters and is a bit dubious about whether it actually is mice (Bertie hopes it's rats) but Mrs. Burns says that it is definitely mice. Bertie wants to keep one but his parents say no. He asks why and they tell him that they nest in the walls and have babies, but Bertie thinks that is brilliant as he can train the baby mice to do tricks. Mr. Burns wants to buy poison but the kids think it's cruel and Mrs. Burns is afraid of Whiffer eating it, so he decides on a trap instead. The parents refuse to let Bertie keep the mouse even upon hearing that Trevor has a pet one.

Later, Mr. Burns goes home from work and shows his family the mousetrap. Bertie reads the instructions and is confused by the word "snap", so Mr. Burns demonstrates. Bertie thinks it is horrible and questions why his parents don't just let the mouse go outside, but they say that they want to be sure it doesn't come back. That night, Bertie makes a new, safe trap out of a cardboard box and throws away his father's trap.

He wakes up early in the morning and goes down to find that a mouse has fallen asleep in his box. Mrs. Burns enters so Bertie holds the box behind his back. She has him show her the box and he does, revealing it to be a male mouse and naming him Monty. Mrs. Burns demands Bertie release Monty far away from the house, so he puts him in the shed.

The next morning, Bertie feeds Monty some peanut butter on toast. Then, he takes him to school and shows Darren and Eugene. They like Monty, but are worried Miss Boot will be afraid of him since she's afraid of rats. Bertie checks on Monty in history class but finds him gone. The boys look around and find him on Miss Boot's desk, having pooped on the desk and nibbling the register.

Bertie pretends he's lost his best pen, but Miss Boot tells him to sit down and borrow someone else's pen. Monty then runs up Miss Boot's skirt and she freaks out because she thinks he's a rat. Bertie scoops up Monty and tells Miss Boot that Monty is a mouse, not a rat, and introduces him, but gets into trouble because Miss Boot asks how Bertie knows Monty's name.

Runner
Bertie is at PE and finding it boring. Miss Boot thinks the students are unfit and need fresh air, so they will be doing cross country, which is a race over fields and paths. Nobody is very interested, though.

At break time, Nick teases Bertie and they argue over who is the fastest. Then, they make a bet: whoever is first across the finish line wins, and the loser has to kiss Miss Boot. Darren and Eugene are taken aback, but Bertie is fairly certain he will beat Nick.

On Friday morning, Suzy tells Bertie that cross country is "murder", should be illegal, and made Bella sick for a week. This makes Bertie scared, even more so when he learns that they will run three kilometres in the rain.

Nick knocks Bertie into a pond, pretending he saw a crocodile, then whacks him with a branch, knocking him over again. He catches up and they take a shortcut throw a cow field, but there is a herd of cows and a bull there. They jump over the fence and Bertie comes third and Nick fourth, which means Bertie will eventually need to do more cross country, but on the plus side, he won the bet.

Dog Food
Whiffer is at the vet because he's lost interest in walkies, and Mr. Cage, the vet, says that he problem is Whiffer is too fat, likely as a result of overeating, thought Bertie suspects that his excessive sleeping might also be a factor. Mr. Cage prescribes only eating two light meals a day, and extra walking. Mr. Burns grumpily blames Bertie for allowing Whiffer to eat too much and Bertie tries to walk Whiffer home.

At dinner, the Burns family discusses Whiffer's diet and Whiffer hides under the table, craving the sausages the family is eating. Bertie sneaks Whiffer a sausage, but the parents throw Whiffer out of the room and tell Bertie off. Then, Mrs. Burns reveals that she invited the Nicelys over for dinner the next night and tells Bertie to keep Whiffer away.

The next night, Bertie realises that he forgot to walk Whiffer and tries to use that as an excuse to not attend the dinner but Mrs. Burns doesn't let him walk Whiffer this late.

To make matters worse, Whiffer takes a bite out of the shepherd's pie. Bertie fills in the hole with an entire jar of peanut butter, then shoves the pie into the oven.

At dinner, the families eat tomato soup, then when the pie gets taken out, everyone is shocked and confused by its nutty flavour. Then, Mrs. Nicely finds a white hair in her dinner and Whiffer enters with gravy on his face. The Nicelys angrily go home and Bertie bails out by walking Whiffer.