Dirty Bertie: Bogeys!

Dirty Bertie: Bogeys! is a 2009 book.

Bogeys
It begins with Bertie searching for his rubber under his desk and Miss Boot yelling at him to pay attention. Bertie hasn't heard a word Miss Boot has said, but Eugene lets him know that it has to do with Friday. It turns out that on Friday, the Mayoress is visiting and one of the students is going to welcome her. Most of the class is excited, especially Know-All Nick, but Bertie just finds the idea boring. She decides to draw lots to decide who gets to welcome the Mayoress, and Bertie is chosen.

When Bertie's family finds out, Mr. Burns is shocked and hopes Bertie doesn't have to make a speech, Suzy teases him and implies he's brainless, but Mrs. Burns is happy for him. Mr. Burns and Suzy get even more shocked when they find out he's going to be in the paper and tell him not to do anything "silly", like burp or pick his nose. Bertie is indignant and doesn't see what the big deal is. Nevertheless, his parents make him promise to stop his nose-picking.

Bertie goes to his room, still not knowing what the big deal about nose-picking is as it's so common. He tries to pick his nose, but his mother comes in, so he goes to his hideout (behind the garden shed) but his dad notices him, so he lies that he's looking for Whiffer. His father tells him that Whiffer is on the couch and to come in because the hideout is filthy. Even after dark, his parents still catch him when he tries to pick his nose.

For the rest of the week, Bertie's parents keep a close eye on him and always catch him when he hides to pick his nose and Miss Boot orders him around. When it comes time to meet the Mayoress, Bertie is annoyed that he can't play with his friends, nervous about getting something wrong, and wants to pick his nose. Unfortunately, he does, and when he goes to shake hands with the Mayoress, there's a bogey on his finger, so he licks it off and the photo shows him licking the bogey off.

Potty
Bertie is very excited because his class is going on a school trip to an historical building called Rustbottom Hall. He wants to sit at the back of the coach, but Nick and Trevor are already sitting there, so he sits with Darren in front of Nick and Trevor. Nick throws candy at him and then denies it, so they argue, and Miss Boot blames Bertie and threatens to make him sit next to her.

When the class arrives at Rustbottom Hall, Bertie, Darren, and Eugene are disappointed because it's dilapidated and it's a house when they expected a castle. Miss Boot announces that they are going to tour the house, then split into teams for a quiz.

Bertie finds the tour very boring, and when it's time for the quiz, he is grouped together with Darren, Eugene, and a reluctant girl named Sandra. He sets off, displeased at having to answer thirty questions. When Nick boasts about having already answered four questions, Bertie decides they'd better get a wriggle on and they head to the library.

After a bit of searching and writing, Darren, Eugene, Sandra, and Bertie have answered some questions, but Bertie isn't feeling too confident: Nick's team are moving faster than them, they've left eight questions blank, Darren has doodled on the clipboard, and their answers are dubious (Darren has cited Mrs. Rustbottom as the fifth Lord Rustbottom's wife's name, claimed bellows are used for shouting, and written "it smells of wee" as a response to a question about what's unusual about the guest bathroom).

When they reach the Blue Bedroom, the last question is "What do you see on the chamber pot?". Bertie points out that it appears to be dragons, and gets the idea of stealing the chamber pot so Nick would not know the answer. When the others refuse to do the stealing, he reluctantly creeps in and steals it, knocking a candlestick over. An alarm then goes off, so Bertie frantically hides the chamber pot up his jacket.

When it comes time for the quiz, it turns out that the pattern on the chamber pot is actually sea monsters. Bertie indignantly shows Miss Boot the potty, and when he tries to give it to her, Nick trips him up, so he breaks it.

Magic
This story opens on Bertie receiving a magic set from his gran. He is very excited, especially when she claims he'd be able to do real magic with practice and when Bertie tries a card trick (without reading the instructions), she humours him and pretends he's gotten it right. He runs off and excitedly tells his mother about his "powers", but she doesn't seem too convinced he has magic.

Later, Bertie is in Eugene's garden, practising his magic on a rather nervous Eugene. Darren suggests he try a worm transformation, but to Bertie's disappointment, Eugene does not turn into a worm. Darren begins to lose interest and Bertie's mother phones. While Bertie's away, Darren suggests to Eugene that they play a trick on Bertie.

When Bertie comes back, Eugene is not present and a worm is on his jumper. Darren claims that Eugene turned into a worm. Bertie is impressed, but becomes fearful when he tries to turn "Eugene" back and, of course, the worm doesn't turn human. Eugene's mother arrives and asks where Eugene is. The boys claim that Eugene went in to change. Mrs. Clark is disgusted at the sight of the worm, but Bertie claims it's his pet.

He goes home and puts "Eugene" in the goldfish bowl where Arthur used to live, but his mother sets "Eugene" free outside. Bertie runs outside to search and finds three worms, so he hides all three of them upstairs.

Darren then comes over, with the real Eugene, revealing it to be a prank. Meanwhile, Suzy has found the three worms.