Dirty Bertie: Pants!

Dirty Bertie: Pants! is a 2007 book.

Pants
It begins on a Thursday, when Bertie is getting changed after swimming lessons, when Know-it-all Nick teases him and peeks out from the next stall about how he can see his (blue) pants. When Bertie tells him to get lost, Nick replies, "Make me, slowcoach!" When Bertie calls Nick out on calling him a slowcoach, Nick says that he called him that because he's always the last to get changed. Bertie decides to make a bet that the last one to get back to the coach has to sit next to Miss Boot, but Nick decides that whoever gets onto the coach last has to go to school in their pants the next day. Bertie is a bit shocked at this bet, but shakes on it anyway, deciding he would find it funny if Nick lost.

Bertie gets changed as fast as he can but loses a sock and trips over a mop. When he gets up, he starts to run along, declaring it an "emergency", only to run into Miss Boot who tells him he isn't allowed to run in the corridor. He walks out the corridor, then runs onto the coach, only to find that Nick has beaten him there. Nick teases Bertie.

On the way back to school on the coach, Bertie is silent and gloomy. Darren offers him a potato crisp, but Bertie doesn't want it, which makes Darren worry that Bertie is ill. When Bertie says he's thinking, Darren asks what he's thinking about, so Bertie tells him about the bet but makes him promise to keep it secret. Unfortunately, Darren finds it funny and bursts out laughing and when Eugene asks what's so funny, Darren tells the secret, which embarrasses Bertie, who suggests that his friends come to school in their pants too. However, they refuse because Darren is too embarrassed and Eugene's mother wouldn't allow it. This makes Bertie sad.

Back at school, Bertie ponders the situation. He believes it would be embarrassing having people laughing at him and wonders if Nick cheated. At break time, Bertie runs into Angela Nicely and her two friends Laura and Yasmin, who tease him and ask what his pants look like, having been told about the bet by Nick. When Angela says she's going to bring a camera so she can take a photo of him, Bertie runs away and hides in the closet, embarrassed, unable to think up a plan, and wishing he was a worm so he could hide in a hole.

That night, Bertie has a nightmare in which Miss Skinner calls him to the front in assembly but he's wearing nothing but his pants. When he wakes up, he tells his mother that he thinks he has "Germy Measles" and when she tells him she cannot see spots on him, he tells her they're invisible. She doesn't buy that and tells him to get dressed for school. Bertie then decides to borrow some of his father's pants so they'd cover up as much of him as possible, so he goes into his parents' room, puts on a pair of his father's blue Y-fronts, and goes to the breakfast table. Suzy laughs at him and their mother asks whose the pants are. He replies that they are his father's pants. His mother says he has plenty of pairs of pants, but Bertie says he needs a really big pair. When she asks what for, he explains about the bet, but his mother thinks he's just being silly. He then thinks of something and goes back upstairs with his father's pants on his head.

At school, the students have arrived early and are waiting for Bertie to arrive in his pants, with Angela holding her camera and Darren arguing with Donna and Eugene about whether Bertie would go through with the bet (Darren says yes, Donna says no and Eugene can't make up his mind.) Bertie arrives dressed as normal, using the loophole that he's wearing his pants under his trousers. He then taunts Nick, along with Darren, saying that Nick doesn't wear pants under his trousers, causing Nick to pull down his trousers to show them. Angela takes a photo and Nick, embarrassed, says he will get revenge on Bertie.

Fame
Bertie runs into the living room, singing the song "I'll Do Anything" with a lisp. Suzy and their father dislike the singing and the mother says it's too loud. Bertie says that he was following Miss Boot's instructions and "singing out". His father says that they'd better hurry or they'd be late for the audition. Bertie's mother wishes him luck and tells him to try not to cause any trouble. Bertie, who is getting into the car, wonders what trouble he could cause from singing. Bertie had signed up for the Pudsley Players' (which his father was a member of) annual show, which was, this time, a play called Oliver about an orphaned boy named Oliver who asks people for more and ends up rich. When Bertie sings in the car, his father tells him not to because he'll "cause an accident" and accuses him of not keeping to the tune. Bertie thinks that "some people don't appreciate good singing".

At the theatre, Bertie finds himself next to Nick, who boasts that he's going to be in the play, but jeers that Bertie isn't going to make the cut, because Miss Lavish, the director, is not that desperate and only wants five boys. Then, he asks who Bertie wants to play. He says he wants to play the Artful Dodger, but Nick says that he himself will play the Dodger. However, Bertie says that Miss Lavish hasn't heard Nick singing. Nick gets called onto the stage and, before entering, tells Bertie that Miss Lavish is his godmother and has heard him sing many times, then sticks out his tongue. Bertie, who'd been picking his nose, gets called onto the stage last. After explaining what song he wants to sing, he takes "come in with the piano" too literally and walks out in order to come back in again. Bertie fails at singing due to still lisping, not keeping to the tune, and forgetting most of the lyrics. Bertie asks Miss Lavish, who calls him "Billy", if he can play the Artful Dodger, but Nick already has the part and Miss Lavish says that they have all the children they need. Bertie offers to sing a different song, but she doesn't want him to. Miss Lavish's assistant whispers in her ear and Miss Lavish calls Bertie back, telling him that there is a small part required: a dog. Bertie is delighted at that prospect.

At home, Bertie tells his mother that he "got the part". When the mother asks if he's cast as the Artful Dodger, Bertie says he has a "better part": the dog. His mother asks what dog, and the father says that Mr Dodds, who's playing Bill Sykes, needs a dog. Bertie then practices by acting like a dog. His mother doesn't want Bertie to practice acting like a dog for ten weeks, but his father rudely points out that "at least he won't be singing".

Over the next ten weeks, Bertie rehearses. He finds his role less exciting than he hoped but doesn't dislike it, and his favourite moment is when he gets to bark at the front of the stage for the police. He tries to liven his role up by growling, scratching and sniffing, but Miss Lavish tells him not to because the growling is too loud and the scratching and sniffing are "destroying the atmosphere". Bertie thinks it's unfair to have to play a dog that didn't growl, scratch or even sniff.

At the dress rehearsal, Bertie gets his brown dog costume but doesn't like it as it's itchy and three sizes too small. He complains to Miss Lavish, but she claims not to have the time for "silly" details. On the night of the play, Bertie's putting his costume on but cannot put the head on. Nick puts it on, but it's backwards and he cannot turn it around. He shows up late to his entrance. Mr Dodds tries to right the head, but it hurts Bertie and makes the audience laugh. He eventually makes Bertie stay by a lamppost, where he keeps trying to correct the head. Suzy and her mother wonder if it's part of the story and Miss Lavish is angry, worried that Bertie will "ruin everything". Bertie's father tells him to get off but he goes the wrong way, towards the dancers. Nick trips over Bertie and crashes into an apple cart, spilling apples. The apples trip everybody up and Mr Dodds knocks over the lamppost, which knocks the whole set down, breaking it. The directors scream and run away, which confuses Bertie because he cannot see. He takes off his dog head and barks. Then, the audience claps and cheers, so he takes his bow. When Miss Lavish shows up, angry with him, he runs away.

Poop
Bertie is handing out invitations to his pirate-themed birthday party. He invites Darren, but Darren is going to Royston RIch's party, despite hating him, because it's a swimming party and the pool has a wave machine. He tries to invite Eugene, Donna, Alex, Dan, Stan, Sunil, Pamela and Angela (the latter of whom he only invited because he was invited to her party) but they are all going to Royston's party too. Bertie thinks that a solo party would be good as he'd get to eat as much party food as he liked, but then decides he wouldn't like it as he wouldn't be getting presents and he wouldn't enjoy playing pirates against only Whiffer.

Bertie arrives home and goes to his room in a sulk. His mother asks how school was, and he says it was terrible, then explains about the parties. Bertie's mother suggests they move the birthday party along to next weekend, but Bertie thinks it's "years" away. When he asks for a swimming pool, his mother just gives him a look and leaves. Bertie then decides to think of a gimmick that's better than the swimming pool and remembers that pirates like to look for buried treasure. He tiptoes into his parents' room, opens the present drawer, and finds party hats, balloons and a bag of chocolate coins. He takes the chocolate coins and buries them in the yard. Royston comes over and invites Bertie to his party because Andrew is unavailable. Bertie says he's having a party of his own, but Royston says nobody is coming. Bertie says that loads of people are coming and slams the door on Royston. Bertie's mother tells him that the chocolate coins are missing. Bertie says he hasn't eaten them, but when his mother asks for them back, he explains that he buried them for a treasure hunt, but he knows where they are: somewhere in the garden.

At half past two on Saturday, Bertie (dressed as a pirate) and Whiffer wait. His mother suggests he go to Royston's party. Although reluctant, Bertie agrees, but only if Whiffer can come. Ten minutes later, they arrive. All the children are enjoying themselves in the pool. Whiffer walks up to the barbecue and wants a sausage and/or some steak that Mr Rich is cooking, but Mr Rich doesn't want Whiffer near the food and tells Bertie to tie him up. Bertie ties Whiffer to a post on the tennis court. Whiffer then poops on the ground, and Bertie scoops it up. He wanders around with the dog poo, wondering where to put it, and disgusts Mrs Rich, who is carrying lemonade. She tells him the bin is by the back door. Bertie cannot see why Mrs Rich is so disgusted but he goes on his way, but trips over a raspberry jelly, sending the lump of poo flying through the air and it lands in the pool. Everyone freaks out and gets out of the pool. Then, everyone goes to Bertie's house for the pirate party.