Dirty Bertie: Snow!

'''Dirty Bertie: Snow! '''is one of the books.

Snow
Bertie wakes up, looks out his window, and is excited that, after weeks of prayers, it's finally snowing. He goes to his parents' room but, seeing as it's not six o'clock yet, demand that he go back to bed.

Instead, Bertie goes and talks to Whiffer and, five minutes later, both go out and play in the snow. Bertie's mother comes out and demands he go back inside because his pyjamas are wet, and then demands he get dressed.

He gets dressed, then Darren phones up and tells Bertie that school is closed and invites him to go sledging. Bertie says yes, but belatedly realises that he broke his sledge. His parents don't want to buy a new one because they're afraid he'll break it, so they tell him to go ask Gran.

He goes to see Gran (who is initially surprised because she doeesn't realise school is closed) and asks if she has a sledge. She does, one that used to belong to Bertie's dad, but it's mouldy and has an old design. Bertie doesn't like it, but he thanks her and takes it anyway-- after all, it's better than nothing.

On his way to Pudlsey Hill (where the sledging will takes place), he runs into Nick and his mother, who have a souped-up sledge. Nick makes fun of Bertie's sledge and they walk off.

When he gets to the hill, Darren and Eugene also make fun of Bertie's sledge, and when he tries it out, it wobbles and he falls off. To add to Bertie's bad mood, he notices Angela (with Laura and Maisie) building a snowman. He tells her to move it because it's in the way of where they'll be sledging, but she refuses because the girls were there first and they begin to argue. Nick sledges up to them and teases Bertie about his sledge again, so they decide to have a race. Angela agrees to be the judge, while Darren and Eugene point out that Bertie doesn't have much hope of winning.

They start the race and Bertie technically wins, but only because Nick crashed into the girls' snowman. Nick complains that Bertie's victory is unfair, but Bertie points out that he only said first to the bottom of the hill, and then he and the girls snowball Nick.

Battle
Bertie observes his dad in the yard, pacing up and down with a rake over his shoulder. Bertie asks what his dad is doing and his mother replies in an unamused way that Mr. Burns has joined a group called the Black-Axe Battle Society, which she describes as "grown men playing at soldiers". Bertie enthusiastically asks if they actually fight, but Mrs. Burns tells him no; it's all pretend.

Bertie is very excited at the idea of being in a club where you play at soldiers, and at dinner, he asks his dad about it. He asks if he can be a pirate, but Mr. Burns grumpily says no and informs him that it's the English Civil War. Bertie wants to be on the king's side, or even be king himself, but Mr. Burns tells him he's not coming. Bertie and Mrs. Burns think that Mr. Burns is being mean and Bertie should come if he wants to, but Mr. Burns is adamant that Bertie can't come because it's too serious, too dangerous, and Bertie wants to be a pirate but there are no pirates.

On Wednesday evening, Mr. Burns comes home from his historical club in soldier garb and carrying a weapon called a "pike", while the rest of the Burnses are watching TV. Mrs. Burns finds the outfit gawky, but Bertie is impressed by the pike and wants to have a go with it.

Mr. Burns is reluctant, but lets Bertie hold it. However, Bertie finds it too heavy and accidentally breaks the lightbulb, then trips over Whiffer in the dark. Mr. Burns blames Bertie, but Mrs. Burns blames Mr. Burns. Then, it turns out that she and Suzy are going shopping on the day of the battle, and she refuses to take Bertie with her because of the time he got lost at Dibble's. Mr. Burns reluctantly agrees to take Bertie, but only to watch, not participate.

On Saturday (the day of the battle), Mr. Burns has Bertie wait outside, when a man comes up and asks him which side he's on-- parliament or the king? Bertie says that he's for the king, and the man has him go into another tent and dress as a drummer boy. When Mr. Burns sees that Bertie is taking part, he is displeased, but then a man named Sir Harry Crackpot shows up and informs them that the Royalists lose the battle and most of them die.

Bertie wants to win despite that being historically inaccurate, and after the battle, all the people playing at Royalists lie down and play dead, except for Bertie, who grabs the king's flag and refuses to surrender despite everyone's protests. He then runs away with it and is chased by all the "Roundheads". Mr. Burns is very angry, then it ends.

Records
This story begins with Miss Boot looking happier than usual and showing the class a book of records. She announces that they are going to try to set a record. Everyone is excited and has an idea for what the record might be: Bertie wants to do the loudest burp but Miss Boot thinks that's not record-worthy, Trevor wants to do the highest trampoline bounce but Miss Boot thinks that's too dangerous, Donna wants to do the longest tapdance but Miss Boot thinks that would take too long. When Bertie suggests doing the longest burp, Miss Boot refutes any suggestions involving burping. Nisha suggests making a pyramid out of pennies, which Miss Boot thinks is the best idea because they're studying Ancient Egypt, so she decides to use that as the record.

Bertie, however, finds the idea boring and at dinner, he grumpily shares the news with his parents, who give him eleven pence. He wants to find out how fast he can eat the baked beans, but his family is grossed out and doesn't time him. After dinner, Bertie goes into his room and looks at the record book, finding a record for the fastest dog on a skateboard, so he decides to try it with Whiffer.

Two weeks later, Bertie brings Whiffer and a skateboard to school and Eugene thinks it's a bad idea because dogs aren't allowed, but Darren thinks it's a great idea.

Royston wins the penny-finding contest with two thousand pence but he doesn't like the prize: a money box. Miss Boot announces that they will put the pyramid together outside, get their photo taken for the newspaper, and someone from the book of records will come to the school. Just then, Whiffer barks, but Bertie pretends he was coughing.

Outside, the students start to build the pyramid, while Bertie tries to set Whiffer up on his skateboard. Whiffer skateboards downhill and crashes into the pyramid. Miss Boot is very angry and Bertie suggests they try the burp record again.

Trivia

 * Mrs. Burns remembers taking Bertie shopping and him ending up on the fifth floor, which happend in the story "Fashion".