Dirty Bertie: Worms!

'''Dirty Bertie: Worms! '''is a 2006 book.

Worms
On Monday morning, Bertie's mother doesn't allow him to let Whiffer lick his spoon because it's dirty. Bertie thinks the spoon seems clean enough to him. Just then, Bertie hears the post arriving and runs to get it. Most of the post is for his parents, which he finds boring, but then he gets a letter addressed to him. He is very excited, even more so when inside is a decorated card, suggesting he's invited to a party, but his excitement goes away when his mother says it is Angela who is hosting the party. While Suzy teases Bertie about Angela being his girlfriend, he reads the invitation, learning that it's for her sixth birthday, it's on Friday, and you need to wear something pink. Bertie, despite liking parties, doesn't want to go to Angela's party because he dislikes both Angela and the colour pink. His mother says he has to go and tries asking Bertie how he'd felt if Angela didn't come to his party, but he states he'd be glad. She points out that he loves parties (and Suzy teases he loves Angela) but he says that Angela likes to play princesses, which he dislikes, and suggests they say that he has to go to the dentist, but his mother doesn't want to lie. He points out that all Angela's other friends are girls so he'll likely be the only boy, but his mother just leaves for work, while he sulks in the chair.

The next day, Bertie overhears his mother talking to Mrs Nicely about the party. He finds out that he is the only boy invited, along with Angela's six female friends. He is disgusted when Mrs Nicely calls him Angela's "boyfriend" and decides not to go lest his friends find out and make fun of him. He takes a notebook from his secret box and writes a list of excuses: "Brilliant excuses for not going to a party. 1. A crocodile bit my head off and I'm not talking to anyone. 2. I have got a rare disease called party-itis which brings me out in terrible spots. 3. I had baked beans for breakfast, lunch and supper. I think you know what that means. 4. I have lost my memory. What party?" He decides the amnesia excuse is the best.

On Wednesday, Bertie, Darren and Eugene are eating lunch and flicking peas at Know-it-all Nick, when Angela shows up. Bertie pretends not to recognise her, and Angela asks about the invitation. Bertie lies that he has lost his memory and pretends not to know what she's talking about. When Angela tries to remind him, Darren, upon hearing it's a pink party, teases Bertie that he's going to a girls' party. Angela asks Bertie how he lost his memory, but he claims he doesn't remember. She reminds him when the party is but he says, "have a nice time," which offends her, and she says that he has to come because she's invited Laura and Maisie and told them he's her boyfriend. When Bertie pretends he's forgotten her name, she storms off angrily.

Later that evening, Mrs Nicely calls Bertie's mother and tells her about the memory-loss incident. Bertie's mother questions him and asks him if he's forgotten a movie he wants to watch on the weekend. When Bertie says the title (Pirates of Blood Island) he tries to explain it away by saying he only forgets some things. Bertie's mother marks the date on the calendar, prompting him to give up.

On Friday afternoon, Bertie is trying to teach Arthur to respond to his name, his mother comes in and asks if they should give Angela the doll or the face paints. Bertie decides on the face paints. His mother gives him a pink shirt, which he doesn't want to wear because it's pink, but she says that it's a pink party. While showing Arthur the shirt, he gets the idea to go as a worm. He sneaks into his parents' room and steals Suzy's sleeping bag. When his mother discovers him wearing the bag and dirty from rolling in the flower bed, she (reluctantly) lets him go as a worm.

When they arrive, Mrs Nicely is surprised to see Bertie as a worm, and Bertie gives Angela (who's dressed as a fairy) her present. Then, they all play musical statues. Bertie dances by rolling on the floor, doesn't hear the music stop and Mrs Nicely tell them to be statues, and knocks Laura over, bumping into Mrs Nicely and knocking over Angela and her other friends. During afternoon tea of pink biscuits, pink ice cream and a pink, heart-shaped birthday cake, Bertie licks up his food like a worm. When asked to stop, he says that worms haven't heard of manners. Then, Mrs Nicely tells the kids to play with Angela's presents, and Angela's friends play with her Little Patty Pony set while he decides to try one of the paints. Angela asks what he's doing and Bertie says he's turned into a slug. The other girls want to be painted as mini-beasts too. When Bertie's mother comes to pick him up, Mrs Nicely is tidying up and the children, face-painted as mini-beasts, are bouncing on the bouncy castle. When he gets home, Bertie gives a piece of cake to Arthur.

Manners
One morning, in assembly, Miss Skinner announces that the next day is National Courtesy Day, a day focused on being polite, and that the librarian, Miss Prim, will visit them and give a special prize to the kid with the best manners. On the way back to the class, Bertie and Darren are not interested in the prize because they reckon it's a book of etiquette (and aren't interested in manners) but then Nick says that he overheard Miss Skinner telling Miss Boot about the tickets. The boys speculate on what the tickets are for, and Bertie hopes they're for Mega Mayhem, a theme park he wants to go to.

The next morning, Bertie practices his etiquette by saying, "good morning" to his parents and asking politely for things, however, his parents think he's up to something and Suzy thinks he's "talking funny". While trying to eat neatly, he tells them about National Courtesy Day, but Suzy just teases him. When he takes out his hanky, a dead fly which he plans to give a funeral to, with the name Buzz, falls out. This disgusts his family, so Bertie puts Buzz away. Miss Prim gives a speech on manners, but Bertie is distracted thinking about the theme park. Then, she asks who will volunteer. Everyone puts their hand up, so Miss Boot chooses Nick. Miss Prim then chooses Bertie and Miss Boot reluctantly allows her to pick Bertie.

In the corridor, Nick shows Miss Prim his painting of a sunset and Bertie shows her his painting of an alien with his dinner inside him. Miss Prim asks for a hanky and Bertie nearly gives her his, but she clarifies she meant for him. Bertie wipes his nose on his sleeve, remembering Buzz. Miss Prim, of course, doesn't know about Buzz and sighs. The boys then argue about who will open the door but Nick lies that he was telling Bertie his shirt was hanging out.

Bertie hands the lunch (spaghetti) around. Bertie wonders how to eat spaghetti neatly and tries to copy the teachers, but his spaghetti falls off the plate. Nick slurps and blames Bertie. When Bertie tells the truth, Miss Prim thinks he's "telling tales" and scolds him. Nick then jogs Bertie and calls him messy, which causes the teachers to scold him unfairly again. Nick fetches the dessert (chocolate fudge cake) and Bertie hands it around, but there is only one piece left and both Bertie and Nick want it. After Bertie gives it to Nick to be polite, he decides to give up on being polite. He then throws Buzz on the table and, after everyone freaks out, asks for him back. Nick then wins the prize: a trip to the Museum of Manners in London.

Rubbish
On Saturday morning, Bertie comes downstairs wearing his father's painting overalls, a woolly hat, and gloves, in order to help Ed with the rubbish. When his mother asks what he's doing, he replies that he has to help Ed. She tells him not today because it's the summer fair and she doesn't want him to get dirty. When he points out that's why he's wearing the clothes, she says she already took the rubbish out, which shocks him. He then takes a bin bag and puts in it a dishcloth, a bar of soap, a can of cat food, a pile of letters from school, some carrots, a cauliflower, his dad's slippers, his sister's pony magazine and a flower display. He goes out to throw it away but falls into the bin trying to save his chewing-gum collection.

Ed takes him out. Bertie tells Ed that the chewing gum is for an experiment to see what chewing gum does when it's old and offers him some. Ed says no, then collects the rubbish and drives off. Back in the house, Bertie feeds Whiffer, takes off the overalls and has breakfast. He whistles, which his dad thinks he is doing badly. Then, Bertie's mum comes in, looking for her flower arrangement. Bertie runs outside and gets on his bike, realizing that she's probably looking for the one he threw away, and explains only that he has to "do something" and that the ketchup on his father's overalls was due to an "accident".

He tries to catch up with the rubbish truck but he can't. Then, his family show up, with his mother looking for her flowers, his father looking for his slippers, and his sister looking for her Pony Weekly. At first he tries to play innocent, but then he lies that he gave them to Gran. His mother is about to ring Gran up, but he says he will get them himself, which satisfies the family but leaves Bertie stumped. During half an hour, Bertie makes his own flower arrangement out of the flowers on Gran's lawn, some grass and a bone and puts it at the church hall. Mrs Nicely says that a vase of tiger lilies is her arrangement and wonders who Bertie's arrangement belongs to, which she calls a "ghastly mess". Mrs Nicely wins second prize, Mr Pye wins first prize for his bowl of roses, and Bertie and his mum win the prize for "most original". When Mrs Burns says that it is not her flower arrangement, Bertie says he "made a few changes". The judge asks Bertie's mother what gave her the idea to use a bone, and she says that it was her son's idea because he "makes a dog's dinner out of everything". The prize is a gardening kit and Bertie (who doesn't understand why his mother is embarrassed) keeps the gloves.