Dirty Bertie: Ouch!

'''Dirty Bertie: Ouch! '''is a book.

Ouch
Bertie and Darren are helping Mr. Grouch set up some scenery for a school play, and Mr. Grouch leaves to fetch some nails. Darren dares Bertie to use the hammer and, slightly nervously but still eagerly, he hits the nail lightly. Darren tells Bertie to give the nail a "proper whack", so he does, but accidentally hits his thumb, causing him a lot of pain. Mr. Grouch and Miss Boot hear Bertie exclaiming and ask the boys if they've been "playing" with the hammer. Bertie tries to defend himself by saying he was "trying to help", but the staff just act grumpy. By this time, Bertie's thumb has gone purple and swollen up. Miss Boot has Darren send Bertie to Miss Skinner's office.

Bertie, very worried about his injured thumb, sits outside Miss Skinner's office, and then Mrs. Burns enters and he tells her what happened. Mrs. Burns is initially worried, and tells him not to hammer again, but when she sees the injury, she's surprised at how minor it is. Bertie, however, is convinced his thumb is broken, so she takes him to the hospital.

Bertie and Mrs. Burns wait in the waiting room and Bertie is very hungry, but Mrs. Burns snaps at him to be quiet and doesn't let him buy a snack. He looks around the room for food but only finds some condiments, which he saves for later. Then, a boy shows up with his arm in a sling. Bertie asks him what happened, and he replies that he hit a lamppost on his bike. Bertie shows off his injured thumb, but the boy says that he's broken his arm twice in his lifetime, and his collarbone, and that kids with serious injuries stay in the children's ward, where you get to watch TV all day. Bertie brings up the possibility of staying in hospital to Mrs. Burns, but she's fairly certain it is just a bruise.

A nurse named Nurse Nettles takes Bertie and Mrs. Burns into a room where she asked what happened. Mrs. Burns explains that Bertie hit his thumb with a hammer and Bertie defensively says, "Not on purpose.". Nurse Nettles examines the thumb and concludes that it is not broken, just badly bruised, and Bertie will be sent home, but she will get Dr. Dose to have a look.

Bertie thinks the situation is unfair, but then gets an idea: he fakes needing to go to the toilet, then rubs mustard on his thumb. When Dr. Dose arrives, he takes a sample of the mustard and "diagnoses" Bertie with "Mustarditis". He then scares the truth out of Bertie by claiming he needs to operate, and the medical staff laugh. Bertie then bandages his thumb up so he can pretend it's broken at school.

Bottom
Bertie is getting changed for swimming at school, but has left his trunks at home by mistake. He goes to his two best friends for advice and they suggest swimming in his pants, but he says no as they don't look right and have holes. Miss Boot calls the boys out, so Bertie's friends leave and Nick teases him. Then, Bertie decides to just stay there, but Miss Boot enters and he explains the situation, so she snappishly sends him to the receptionist's.

In Reception, the woman who works there hands over a box marked Lost Property, but the only thing that isn't either designed for girls or not able to cover his shame is a pair of silver Speedos which he doesn't like. Bertie asks for "normal" swimming trunks, but the woman just glares at him and shouts, "We're not a shop! Do you want them or not?!". He goes back and puts them on, but their elastic is broken and they won't stay up.

During swim lessons, Bertie's classmates tease him and he tries to avoid participating for fear of losing his trunks, but then he gets yelled at to participate. Nick gets out to use the toilet, and Bertie pretends he needs to go too and steals Nick's trunks, puts them on, and leaves the Speedos on the floor.

After the first half of swim class, Nick still hasn't gone out of the bathroom and says he has no trunks. Miss Boot yells at him to get out and he comes out wearing the Speedos. The second half of swim class begins, then Nick loses his trunks and Bertie holds them up.

Brainiac
Miss Boot announces that the Junior Quiz Challenge is coming up, but Bertie and the majority of his class hates the quiz because the school always comes bottom of the quiz. Nick volunteers and Miss Boot asks Donna and Eugene if they want to volunteer. Miss Boot takes their hesitation as a "yes", and Darren says, "What about Bertie?" (which Bertie suspects is revenge for when he put superglue on Darren's chair) and pretends Bertie is good at quizzes. Miss Boot asks Royston, Nisha, and Kylie if they want to volunteer, but they shake his head, hide behind Donna, and look nauseous respectively, so Miss Boot signs Bertie up.

At lunchtime, Nick has Bertie, Donna, and Eugene practise for the quiz and appoints himself captain of the team. Bertie's first question is what Hades is the god of, but Bertie has never heard of him. Nick says that Hades is a Greek god "like Zeus and Mars", but Bertie thinks Mars is just a chocolate bar. Bertie ends up answering no questions.

That afternoon, Bertie asks Gran for advice and she takes him to the library. Initially, Bertie thinks the books look boring, but he eventually finds a book that interests him, about disgusting trivia.

Over the next few days, Donna and Eugene do well, but Bertie only gets one answer right. They meet the rival team from a school named Swotter House (Giles, Miles, Tara, and Harriet), and their snobby teacher.

At the quiz, the first question is what "MP" stands for. Nick thinks it's "More Pudding", but Giles correctly answers "Member of Parliament". Giles correctly answers the next question (Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone) as well. By round three, Nick has buzzed 19 times but only actually known one answer.

The next round is on books, and thanks to Donna and Eugene, their team's score is improving. The next round is on the human body, which Bertie has learned a lot about from his gross trivia book. The last question is what the Romans used as toothpaste and Bertie answers mouse brains, which is correct and makes his team win for the first time.

Trivia

 * Bertie remembers the events of the story "Dare!", in which Darren dared him to lock Mr. Weakly in the store cupboard.
 * "Itis" means "inflammation", so "mustarditis" should logically mean "inflammation of the mustard".
 * The BFG by Roald Dahl is mentioned in the story "Brainiac".