Dirty Bertie: Kiss!

Dirty Bertie: Kiss! is a Dirty Bertie book.

Kiss
Bertie has a slug and is looking for someone to prank with it. He considers Royston or Nick, but then decides on Angela. She is sitting on the bench with Laura and Maisie playing a version of Truth or Dare, with two other options-- "Kiss" and "Promise". Laura has to tell the truth about whether she's Maisie's best friend (she says no; she's Angela's), then Angela has a turn and chooses "Kiss", which means she has to kiss a boy chosen by her friends. They choose Bertie, thinking he's gross, and Bertie is shocked to hear the girls talking about Angela kissing him. He tries to scare Angela away with the slug, but it doesn't work, so he drops it and runs away.

Bertie runs to Darren and Eugene and tells them about Angela. They think it's hilarious that she wants to kiss him. The girls show up, so Bertie hides and Darren and Eugene joke that he wants to marry Angela. The girls leave, Bertie comes out of his hiding place, and Darren and Eugene tease Bertie for "loving" Angela. He runs into the boys' toilets and hides, until Miss Boot tells him to hurry up because the bell rang five minutes ago.

In class, Miss Boot asks Bertie to take some books to Miss Darling, which Bertie doesn't want to because Miss Darling teaches Angela's class. The three girls corner Bertie in Miss Darling's cupboard and Bertie stands on a chair and falls over. Miss Darling sternly tells the girls to get out of the cupboard and Bertie to clean up.

Back in class, Bertie tries to bail, but Miss Boot tells him to wait until she's assigned homework to leave. Eugene suggests wearing a disguise so he puts on a pink anorak and his friends claim he's a shy girl named Tina. Angela, however, recognises Bertie from his walk and his muddy trainers. Bertie outruns Angela on his way home, but then Suzy lets her in.

Hamster
On the last day before half-term break, Bertie is bored in class, watching Snuffles, the elderly class hamster. Eugene is asked to look after Snuffles during the break, but then realises that he can't because he's going to be away with his grandmother. Bertie volunteers to look after Snuffles and Miss Boot reluctantly lets him.

At home, Mrs. Burns demands to know what's behind Bertie's back and he shows her Snuffles. She initially says no, but lets him look after him upon hearing that it's the only option, albeit reluctantly and telling Bertie to keep Snuffles in his room and look after him on his own. She then adds not to let Snuffles out of his cage for fear of Whiffer eating him. Bertie declines this because Snuffles has to exercise, but promises to be careful.

Bertie is bothered by Snuffles's nocturnality because he won't learn tricks during the day and keeps him awake at night. The next evening, Bertie grosses out Suzy by talking about poo after being told to clean the cage. While Bertie is cleaning the cage, Snuffles escapes.

Bertie phones up Darren, who comes over and they search in vain. When they see Whiffer, they fear that he's eaten Snuffles-- after all, Whiffer does chase squirrels. Darren suggests buying another hamster, but Bertie has no money, so he suggests making a fake hamster. Darren points out that it's inanimate but Bertie says they'll just lie that he's asleep and pretend to feed it. Darren is unsure, but goes along with it.

On Monday, Miss Boot demands to see Snuffles and discovers that it's just a stuffed sock. When Bertie comes home, Mrs. Burns finds Snuffles in the laundry basket and he poops on his jumper.

Boast
On a Saturday morning, Bertie is eating breakfast and boasting about being able to burp his name. Mrs. Burns reveals that she has invited a boastful woman named Mrs. Smugly and her talented daughter Flora over for coffee. Bertie dislikes those two because of Mrs. Smugly's boasting and Flora's clarinet-playing which he finds boring.

The guests arrive, Bertie gets changed, then they talk. It's revealed that Flora is good with numbers, does ballet, and is learning French on top of her clarinet-playing. Flora eats all the chocolate biscuits, disappointing Bertie. Then, the women start claiming that Bertie plays the trumpet, even though he doesn't.

At dinner, it's revealed that Mrs. Burns didn't really say that Bertie played the trumpet, but that he liked music and that he might play the trumpet, and her reason for saying so was that she, like Bertie, was bored of Mrs. Smugly's boasting. However, this was still a lie, as Bertie is apathetic towards music and there was no indication of him playing the trumpet. Then, Mrs. Smugly phones up asking if Bertie can play in an orchestra, and Mrs. Burns agrees. Bertie does not want to play in an orchestra, so Mrs. Burns bribes him with a trip to a restaurant called Pizza Pronto.

At the rehearsal, Bertie has trouble finding where to sit and then has more trouble getting the trumpet to even make sounds. Eventually, over the next few days, Bertie manages to get his trumpet to make sounds, but still can't play it very well. His family tells him that when he gets to the concert, he is not to actually play, lest people hear him playing incompetently and realise he can't actually play well.

However, on the night of the concert, Nigel has a tummy bug and can't play the solo, so Bertie has to do it. Mrs. Smugly, now knowing that Bertie can't play the trumpet, asks if he can do anything, so he burps his name.