Dirty Bertie: Fangs!

'''Dirty Bertie: Fangs! '''is a 2010 book.

Fangs
It is Book Week at Bertie's school and everybody is dressed up as their favourite character. Bertie, Darren, Eugene and other kids are on the playground with Darren as Dennis the Menace, Eugene as Willy Wonka and Bertie as Count Dracula, which he thinks is the best. Darren and Eugene do not recognise his costume. Just then, Mr Grouch, also dressed as a vampire, arrives behind them, startling the boys. He sees a sweet wrapper by Bertie's foot, and, despite Bertie not being the one who dropped it, tells him to pick it up and never to drop litter in his playground. He then leaves, telling Bertie he will be watching him.

The boys discuss how scary Mr Grouch was being, and then Eugene suggests maybe Mr Grouch is a real vampire because he'd seen him the previous day, drinking a substance he thought looked like blood outside his shed. Darren points out that vampires cannot stand daylight, but Bertie speculates he is a vampire/human hybrid and decides they need to "stop" him. Darren points out that Mr Grouch hasn't done anything wrong, but Bertie thinks that he has possibly murdered Miss Withers (a teacher who was rumored not to have returned after a sick day) to drink her blood and hidden the body. Bertie suggests they spy on Mr Grouch and Darren recruits Bertie to go first.

Throughout the rest of that morning, Bertie watches Mr Grouch and writes everything he sees in the back of his maths book. At lunch, Bertie hangs around the shed, hoping to spy on Mr Grouch, who goes into the shed and comes back with a bag and a folding chair, sits down and eats sandwiches. He then takes an old green Thermos out of his bag and pours something into a plastic cup, which Bertie thinks looks like blood and must mean Mr Grouch is a vampire.

Bertie gives his report to Darren and Eugene. Darren wants to know whose blood it is and Eugene thinks they should tell Miss Skinner. Bertie says that they need to prove Mr Grouch is a vampire first, and Darren and Eugene wonder how, objecting to letting Mr Grouch drink their blood. Bertie suggests they look in the shed for secrets. Eugene is not so sure because they aren't allowed in the shed and Mr Grouch keeps it locked and keeps the keys in his pocket. Bertie decides that they need to wait until Mr Grouch is busy, then take the keys.

Mr Grouch works repairing a light in the Boys Toilets, while Bertie whispers to Darren and Eugene to keep Mr Grouch talking while he, Bertie, looks for the keys. Darren and Eugene worry that Mr Grouch will try to bite him, but Bertie is confident he will not if teachers are present. Bertie and Darren pretend that they need to go to the toilet. Mr Grouch angrily tells them to wait. Eugene excepts, but Bertie says he is bursting and Darren needs a poo. Mr Grouch yells at the boys to come back later and Bertie pretends to trip over, falling and knocking over Mr Grouch's toolbox. Bertie puts the tools away, but takes the keys. He struggles to find the right key, but eventually opens the shed.

Inside, they find it's a mess but nothing of value is in there. However, Bertie is not giving up easily and searches the shed with Darren, while Eugene keeps watch. Bertie finds Mr Grouch's bag next to a dirty pair of overalls and inside is a newspaper, gardening gloves, a lunch box and the Thermos. They open it, and it's empty but has red stains inside and smells "oddly familiar". Mr Grouch shows up, so the boys try to clean up, keeping the Thermos, but Mr Grouch comes up and demands the keys. Bertie says that they have "proof" he's a vampire, but Mr Grouch just calls him an idiot and demands the keys again. Bertie knocks Mr Grouch over and runs away, locking Mr Grouch in.

Back in the classroom an hour later, Bertie hears Mr Grouch banging on the shed. Eugene worries that he will escape. Miss Boot, dressed as Winnie the Witch, yells at Bertie to stop staring out the window and get on with his schoolwork. Bertie looks at his writing and tries to keep doing science. He looks out the window and sees that the door is open, trying to reassure himself that "even vampires are afraid of Miss Boot". Mr Grouch, messy and angry, comes in. He wants to tell off Bertie, but Miss Boot is confused and wondering why he's interrupting. Mr Grouch yells about what Bertie did, and Bertie says that Mr Grouch is a vampire so his (Bertie's) actions are justified. Mr Grouch calls Bertie a dope and points out that it is just a costume for Book Week, but Bertie tells the class he drinks blood. It turns out that the stuff in the Thermos is just tomato soup.

Hairy
At breakfast, Bertie's mother says that he needs a haircut because his hair is a "mess". Bertie doesn't like that idea as he hates having his hair cut and he likes having scruffy, dirty hair, hence never combing or brushing it and disliking it when his mother washes it. He thinks his parents ought to be grateful if he gave up haircuts as he'd be saving them money. The parents argue because neither of them wants to take Bertie to the barber, due to the mother taking him last time and the hairdresser screaming upon discovering Bertie had nits. Dad reluctantly agrees to take him to a hairdresser named Bob after school, which scares Bertie because he remembers when Bob cut Darren's hair to look spiky, earning him the nickname Spike. Bertie says he doesn't want to go but his father says it is fine and lots of people go there. Bertie says that the father doesn't, to which the father awkwardly replies that he goes to the new hairdresser's, Super Snips, because it is easier. Bertie wants to go there, because he likes the chairs and they provide comics and lollipops to the children, whereas Bob doesn't, but his mother says it is too "posh" and his father says it is too expensive. The mother suggests that Bertie and his father should both get haircuts, but the father says his haircut can wait. Bertie says that his can wait too and the hair may have even stopped growing, but the mother is insistent her son is getting a haircut.

Bertie goes upstairs to sulk and looks in the mirror. His hair does get in his eyes, but he doesn't mind, and he wishes he was a caveboy. He reckons that if he was bald, he'd have to go to school with a bag over his head and he'd be called names.

After school, Eugene comes to the Burns house and Bertie asks his father, who's working on the computer, if Eugene can come to play, in hopes that it will give him an excuse to stay at home. At first, Bertie's father says no, but then he lets Eugene stay but only for half an hour. The boys run upstairs and Bertie slams the door, which concerns Eugene. Eugene cannot see what is bad about Bertie having his hair cut. When Bertie tells Eugene about Bob, Eugene thinks it will be funny and asks why he doesn't go to Super Snips, but Bertie says that he's already asked about that but his dad won't take him. He sees some scissors and decides to cut his own hair, but then decides that he'd better have somebody else cut it because otherwise he wouldn't be able to see.

Five minutes later, Bertie is sitting in a chair with a towel draped around his shoulders, and Eugene is worried they will get in trouble. Bertie doesn't think his father will mind, but Eugene is still unsure because he has never cut anyone's hair before. Bertie says it is like cutting paper, so Eugene reluctantly cuts one hair and calls himself done, because, to quote him, "You said cut your hair. I cut this one!". Bertie says it is no use because it has to be shorter all over or else no one will see the difference. Eugene asks how much shorter and Bertie says he doesn't know, but "so it's not in [his] eyes and sticking up everywhere." Eugene reluctantly cuts Bertie's hair. Bertie imagines himself paying people to let Eugene cut their hair. When Bertie sees his reflection, he doesn't like it because patches of it are missing and it's not all the same length. He freaks out. Eugene apologises, but Bertie just says he looks like an alien. Eugene is a bit sad at this, and says that it's not his fault because he's never cut hair and Bertie asked for it shorter, but Bertie, still worried, says he meant shorter all over. Eugene says that it is not too bad because it will grow back in a few weeks, but Bertie says that a few weeks is too long and is afraid his parents would go nuts when they see him.

Then, his father calls him, which worries both boys. Bertie puts the towel and scissors away and stuffs hair into the pockets of his jeans. Bertie's father comes up and is shocked at Bertie's hair, but he and Eugene explain. The father is still mad and says that Bertie looks like a "moulting sheep" and that they'll go to the barbers, dropping Eugene home on the way. At the barber's, Bertie and a pale, freckle-faced boy argue about who should go first, with the other boy eventually winning. Bob cuts the pale boy's hair with electric clippers, which is red, after the boy requests a trim. Bertie doesn't want to be clipped, because he'd rather have patchy, sticking-up hair than be bald. The freckle-faced boy leaves, looking shaven.

When Bob asks who is next, Bertie points at his father, who's reading a newspaper, and says, "He is!". Nervous, the father tries to back out of it, but Bob and Bertie are insistent, because Bob thinks it's the dad's turn and Bertie points out that his mum said his dad needed a haircut. After Bob says he will be closing in five minutes (Bertie's dad said the barber shut at five, therefore it's 4:55) Bertie's father gives him a lock and reluctantly gets in the seat, asking for a very, very light trim. That evening, the mother sets the table and Bertie says he did fine. She wonders what happened to his hair, being shocked, and Bertie says that Eugene cut it. The mother, surprised and confused, says that she thought the father was taking him to the barber's and Bertie says that he did but Bob did not have the time to cut his hair. As the mother asks whose hair Bob cut, the father enters, embarrassed and bald. The mother screams and Bertie says that it is all right because it will probably grow back in a few weeks.

Fashion
It is Saturday. Bertie usually likes Saturdays as he gets to watch TV, see his friends or take Whiffer to the park. However, today he is in a bad mood because he and his mother have to go shopping and he hates shopping trips because the shops his mum takes him to don't sell anything he wants. This morning, they're in a shop called Dibble's Department Store, buying school shoes. His mother tells him not to touch anything or wander off. Bertie sulkily agrees not to, not knowing where he'd wander off to anyway.

He asks to take the lift, and she reluctantly agrees. Bertie, who wants his own lift, presses the call button. When the lift arrives, he stays in the lift, but his mother gets out and looks at the perfume. She runs over as the doors start to close. He presses a button but the lift goes up instead of opening. Bertie is scared and presses buttons but the lift doesn't move. Finally, it stops and Bertie gets out but he doesn't recognise where he is. Then, he gets out, but the lift continues to go up. He wanders past the beds, looking for the way to the ground floor.

Five minutes later, he walks around a corner and sees a large room where a big crowd of people is sitting in rows of seats, facing a stage decked with flowers. Bertie wonders if somebody famous is coming and is about to ask for help, when a shop assistant with the name Laura written on it appears. She mistakes him for a boy named Bernie and he corrects her, but she thinks it is probably a printing error on her list and tells him to get onto the stage. He says that he is looking for his mum, but Laura says that she phoned and is on her way, which pleases Bertie. Laura ushers Bertie through a door and says that someone named Claudia thought he wasn't coming. Bertie looks around and sees that he is not in the shoe department and it looks more like a changing room because one man is putting a shirt on and another is in his underpants. Laura yells, "He's here!" and Claudia asks if she is sure Bertie is the right boy. Claudia tells Laura to do something with Bertie's here. He says, "But I'm only here for new--" but before he can finish, he is pushed into a chair and some women go to work on him.

One combs his hair, another dabs something on his face and a third tuts over his dirty nails. They all tell him at once where to look and to stay still. Bertie, squirming to escape, says he needs to meet his mum and that she is meant to meet him there. One of the women says that she thinks his mother is out front. Bertie says that he is only meant to be getting shoes, and then says she is all done. Bertie looks in the mirror and is shocked to see that his hair is sticking up like a paintbrush and his face is covered in pink make-up. He tries to wipe the make-up off with the back of his hand. Claudia comes. She isn't quite satisfied with the make-up and hair but says it will have to do and asks where his clothes are. Bertie says he is wearing them, but Claudia says that they are "ghastly" and that he should be in sportswear. Bertie looks at his clothes and, despite his jumper having jam on it and his jeans being slightly dirty, he doesn't think they look that bad. Claudia commands him to put on a bright yellow tracksuit with the word DAZZLE written on it. Bertie says he only wanted shoes and Claudia asks someone to bring him some trainers, and to hurry because they are on in five minutes. The assistants put the tracksuit on Bertie over his clothes, which he doesn't like because he dislikes the colour and thinks it's too big, but the assistants like it and hold up trainers. Bertie thinks the trainers look babyish, but the assistant thinks it's a "tantrum" and lets him wear his own ones. Bertie shouts for his mother but nobody notices.

The music next door has stopped and Claudia tells people to talk their places. People run around and Bertie gets herded into a corridor to join a line of people in Dazzle sportswear. They go onto the stage and Claudia, nervous and excited, calls them swans and blows them all kisses. Bertie sees people through the curtains but cannot see his mother.

Meanwhile, the mother is on the ground floor, and she's starting to worry because Bertie has never been lost for this long before and Dibble's is a huge shop. Mum describes Bertie to the shop assistant as being "small, with scruffy hair and dirty jeans and probably a runny nose." The lady writes it down and asks for his name again. Bertie's mother clarifies his name is Bertie and says that it is her fault for taking her eyes off him. The assistant doesn't think Bertie went far and puts a message through a microphone: "Will the little boy called Bertie please come to the Help Desk on the ground floor, His mum is waiting with a hanky." On the fourth floor, music is playing, and it's too loud for Bertie to hear the announcement. He sees people go onto the stage and hears people applauding, and wonders if the famous person has arrived, and if it's a footballer who would sign his shirt. The others in line are helping themselves from a box of sports equipment and Bertie, nearing the front of the line, wants a skateboard. A floppy-haired boy bursts in, calling himself Bernie.

Bertie introduces himself, and Bernie asks if Bertie is in the show, where Laura is, and if he's too late. Bertie says that he doesn't know what he's late for and Bernie says that they are models in a fashion show, which Bertie doesn't like because he thinks fashion-show clothes are stupid. Bertie, carrying a skateboard, is led onto the stage. He tries to escape but Claudia is staring at him. He doesn't want to strike poses in a yellow tracksuit like the other models, so he skateboards away. The audience claps, thinking it's part of the show, and Bertie accidentally crashes into the other models. This makes him angry and he jumps, runs away, and puts his tracksuit into a bin. His mother finds him and asks where he's been. Bertie decides not to mention the fashion show business and just says he hasn't been anywhere special and was looking for her. The mother tells him about the announcement, but Bertie shakes his head. She asks him about the make-up, so Bertie lies that he got bored and tried it on. She goes off to get the shoes and sees an ad for the fashion show, but Bertie runs away.

Trivia

 * In his maths book, Bertie writes "9:15 am. Grouch sweeping up litter 10:00 am. No vampire sitings. 10:35 am. Has cup of tea and choclate biscuit (DARK choclate) 11: 15 am. Hasn't bitten ennyone-yet 11:30 am Goes into shed 11:32 am Comes out with mop and buckit". In his science book, he writes "THE EARTH GOES ROUND THE SUN. THE SUN IS BIG AND RED. LIKE BLOOD...". He misspells "sightings", "chocolate", "anyone" and "bucket".