Dirty Bertie: Pong!

Dirty Bertie: Pong! is a book.

Pong
The story begins at the dinner table on a Friday evening, and there is a bad smell. The parents and Suzy wonder if Bertie caused it in some way, but Bertie claims that Suzy caused it, by farting. Suzy maintains that she didn't fart and Mr. Burns gets up to search for the cause of the smell, finding out that it is Whiffer. Mrs. Burns says that Bertie will have to clean Whiffer because he was the one who adopted him, but Bertie maintains that dogs are supposed to smell. Mr. Burns says that dogs are not meant to be as stinky as Whiffer is now, and Mrs. Burns asks what Whiffer has been doing. Bertie says that he took Whiffer to the park and it's revealed that he's been smelling bad since he ran through the cow-field on the way home, and he likely got cow manure on him. The parents then deny Bertie pocket money until he bathes Whiffer.

Whiffer hates baths and last time he was given one, the bathroom got messy, so Mrs. Burns tells Bertie to bathe him in the garden. By now, Whiffer has run away.

Half an hour later, Bertie has found Whiffer, changed into rain gear, and run a bath outside. Bertie tries to use a dog biscuit to lure Whiffer into the bath, but Whiffer knocks him into the bath instead. Royston shows up and begins to tease Bertie and show off Duke, his Great Dane. He says he is going to be entering Duke in a dog show, which provokes Bertie to want to enter Whiffer too, to spite Royston.

A whole day passes but Whiffer still has not had a bath, much to the ire of Mrs. Burns. Bertie tries bathing Whiffer in the bathroom, but that only causes the floor/ceiling to leak, making her even more mad, and at Bertie for causing the leak rather than Whiffer for not cooperating.

On the plus side, though, Whiffer is clean and they set off for the dog show at half-past two, but unfortunately Whiffer runs into a cowpat again. The show is being hosted by Whiffer's former trainer Miss Bowser, who initially assumes Bertie is a spectator. When he reveals that the bad smell comes from his having stepped in cow poo, she disqualifies them and insults them.

Bertie sulks near the show, and tries to teach Whiffer some tricks, but the contestants chase after the dog biscuit and Miss Bowser gets mad at Bertie. To add insult to injury, when Bertie and Whiffer get home, Mrs. Burns gets mad again because Whiffer smells bad again.

Snore
Bertie and his class are on a school trip to a place called Barnswood Outdoor Centre. Miss Boot reads out the list about who will be sleeping with whom, and unfortunately Darren and Eugene will be bunking with Nick, while Bertie will be sharing with Trevor and another boy named Warren. Bertie and his friends complain, then they wonder if it's a mistake, so Bertie asks Miss Boot why he's not with his two best friends. She replies that it's because the three cause trouble when they're together, especially Bertie, and refuses to change the rooming situation even when Bertie promises to follow the rules.

At Barnswood, Bertie enjoys himself on the rope walk and climbing wall so much that he forgets who he's roomed with until bedtime. He tries sneaking to Darren, Eugene, and Nick's room, but Miss Boot catches him and reveals that her room is opposite Bertie's. Bertie is wide awake and hungry, so he suggests a kitchen raid, but Trevor is afraid of getting in trouble, and Warren is crying because he's both homesick and wants his teddy bear.

Meanwhile, Darren and Eugene dare Nick to knock on Miss Boot's door and run away but he is afraid to. He tries to go to sleep, but his roommates pretend to snore.

At breakfast, Bertie, Darren, Eugene, and Nick are complaining about their roommates, so Bertie suggests swapping rooms. Nick doesn't want to because he believes it will never work. However, Bertie has a plan: carry Nick into the other room during the night. So that night, Bertie, Darren, and Eugene carry Nick on his mattress, only for him to fall off without waking up.

They put him back on the mattress but accidentally take him to Miss Boot's room. They run away, then Darren steps on Nick, waking him up, so he screams, waking up Miss Boot and her roommate Miss Darling. The next morning, Bertie plays dumb and Miss Boot ends up putting the boys in their preferred rooms so she can watch Nick.

Smart
On the playground, Bertie and Nick are roughhousing and Miss Skinner complains to Miss Boot about Bertie's scruffy appearance, prefering the neat kids at the rival school Swotter House. The teachers ask Bertie how he'd like a uniform and he doesn't want one (though he wouldn't mind a fire-fighter's uniform). Miss Skinner suggests adding a school uniform, and Miss Boot, though a bit taken aback, thinks it could work, but doesn't see Bertie going along with it.

The next week, Bertie receives a letter about uniforms and thinks the idea is "bonkers", but Mrs, Burns thinks it's a good idea because it would look "smart". Bertie doesn't want to look "smart" and is fine with his current appearance. As it turns out, there is a competition for the design of the uniform, so Bertie decides to enter. He draws a uniform that resembles a superhero costume.

The next day at school, Bertie looks at the other students' drawings, but finds them all lame. Nick wins, and Bertie calls his design "yuck", causing Miss Boot to give him detention for being rude. At Miss Skinner's office, Bertie finds a letter to the school uniform company. He then draws on Nick's uniform design.

When the uniform arrives, Nick tries it on but it's Bertie's super-suit design and everyone laughs at him.

Trivia

 * Bertie says that dogs are supposed to smell. This is partly true, as dogs produce oil on their skin which can lead to a musty odour, but that can be taken care of with bathing.
 * Miss Bowser from Whiffer's dog training classes in a previous story features again.