Dirty Bertie: Pirate!

'''Dirty Bertie: Pirate! '''is one of the books.

Pirate
Bertie and his class are dressing up for an event called Pirate Day, which Bertie enjoys since he wants to be a pirate. When he and his friends see Nick, Bertie decides to get revenge on him for putting gum on his chair, so he throws a tennis ball at him and Bertie, Darren, and Eugene surround him and have him surrender. Then, they think of a punishment for him and Bertie suggests tickling his toes. Nick begs them not to, so they demand to know where the treasure is. Just then, Miss Boot arrives and demands to know what Bertie is doing. Nick squeals on Bertie for "being mean" so, even though Bertie tells her it was only a game, Miss Boot takes everybody's toy weapons. Then, she leads the boys in and has them do sums with the rest of the class.

In class, Nick wants to get back at Bertie but the old standbys of worms and mud wouldn't work as Bertie likes those. Nick then thinks of a plan: make a fake treasure map that leads Bertie into trouble.

At lunch break, Angela wants to play pirates too (not wanting to play with her friends as they are playing at being parents), but Bertie says no and tells her that girls aren't allowed in his "crew".

Nick arrives and throws an apple core at Bertie, so Bertie chases him and threatens to tickle him again, then the fake map falls out of his pocket and Darren picks it up. Bertie is impressed and he, Darren, Eugene, and Angela go off to look for the alleged treasure.

The kids look at the map and find out that the treasure is apparently on the field, twenty paces from "Boot's Lookout", i.e. the bench where Miss Boot always watches the students from. They reach the place where the treasure allegedly is, and it's at the cricket pitch, where they're not allowed to dig, and on top of that they have no spade. Angela, however, sneaks into the shed while Mr. Grouch is asleep and steals three spades. The boys tell Angela to keep watch, and to whistle if Mr. Grouch wakes up.

The boys dig a deep hole and find something hard, but it turns out to be a rock. Nick turns up and subtly reveals that it was a trick, then Angela shows up, trying to whistle. Then, Bertie asks Nick why he did it and Nick reveals that it was so Bertie would get the blame. However, Mr. Grouch has overheard the conversation, so he takes Nick away and tells Bertie and his friends to fill in the hole.

Burger
The Burns family is watching TV, all except for Mrs. Burns, who then enters with news: the newspaper wants her to do a restaurant review, she can take guests, and the paper pays for the meal. Bertie is very excited at the possibility of a free meal and wants to go to a restaurant called Burger Madness, but Mr. Burns tells him they are not taking him, because he's accident-prone at restaurants. Suzy wants to go out for dinner as well, and Mrs. Burns, despite hoping for a date with Mr. Burns, agrees to take Suzy, and Bertie too because they haven't eaten as a family in a while, and it would not be fair taking one kid but not the other. Mrs. Burns tells Bertie to be on his best behaviour and to tidy his room right then.

Bertie goes into his room and feeds a Jammie Dodger to his pet frog Eric. He hears his mother approaching and hastily covers Eric with a pair of underwear. Mrs. Burns enters and asks who he was talking to, and he lies that he wasn't talking to anybody. Then, Eric hops along with the undies still on him and Mrs. Burns tells him not to keep pets in his room. Bertie reluctantly lets Eric out, but then changes his mind after realising that Pusskins may eat him.

On the night of the restaurant trip, Bertie decides to take Eric with him as he hasn't been eating his food. In the car, Bertie's family reminds him to behave, then they drive past Burger Madness, instead ending up at another restaurant: Restaurant Paradiso.

Bertie is none too pleased with this and finds the restaurant too dark. A waiter asks to take their coats, but Bertie says no because he's hidden Eric in his coat pocket. Bertie reads the menu, but what he wants (a cheeseburger with chips) isn't on the menu and the things which are on there actually describe themselves with words like "sickly" and "gloop". Bertie then feels something tickling his leg.

Then, Eric escapes and hops onto the floor. To make matters worse, a food critic named Gerald Fusspot is present and Eric is now nowhere in sight. Bertie orders chicken, then looks around and spots Eric on Gerald Fusspot's table. He pretends he needs the toilet and tries to save Eric, but Gerald gets served dessert and then freaks out when he sees Eric. Several waiters rush over, one of whom tries to kill Eric, and Eric runs away so Bertie chases him. Eric causes a crash and lands on Gerald's head. Bertie tries to catch Eric, but ends up spilling ice cream on Gerald Fusspot instead.

This makes the family very angry at Bertie, but on the plus side, they were asked to leave, so Mrs. Burns is now reviewing Burger Madness.

Run
Bertie and his class are running at PE, but Bertie is a slow runner. Miss Boot then announces that Sports Day is tomorrow, and Bertie is determined to win something. He declines the sprint because he'd never win against his classmate Zoe Trotter, and the three-legged race because he's afraid of getting paired with Trevor or Nick. Eventually, he doesn't like any of the races. Miss Boot puts him in a relay race with his parents, but Bertie disapproves because he's embarrassed and believes his parents wouldn't be able to win.

At dinner, Bertie brings it up, but Mr. Burns is shocked and the female Burnses laugh at the idea of him running a relay race. When Bertie tells Mrs. Burns that he didn't pick her because he wants to win, she gets offended and enters with Suzy as a protest.

Mr. Burns is reluctant to be in the relay, especially since he has work, but when Royston and his dad jog past and reveal that they're in the relay, he's determined to win against them.

The next morning at seven, Mr. Burns wakes up a reluctant Bertie for training. They try their best to run, but the Riches are much fitter and Mr. Burns gets all achy and puffed-out.

On Sports Day, the Riches beat the Burns guys at the sprint, but start to tire at the wheelbarrow race. They end up neck and neck, but Royston deliberately bumps Bertie, leading to a fight between the four of them. Then, Mrs. Burns and Suzy win.