Dirty Bertie: Burp!

'''Dirty Bertie: Burp! '''is a 2007 book.

Burp
On a Friday at lunch time, Dirty Bertie, Darren and Eugene are eating rice pudding, and Bertie is the only one who enjoys his. Darren, thinking the pudding looks like frogspawn, doesn't finish his lunch.

Just then, Miss Skinner comes in and introduces the new Head Dinner Lady Miss Beansprout. Miss Beansprout asks the students to name a healthy food and Pamela suggests an orange, Know-it-all Nick suggests an avocado, and Bertie suggests nuts and wonders if they will be having doughnuts the next day. At this point, Miss Beansprout tells the students to stop talking and keep eating.

On Monday, Miss Beansprout has replaced Mrs Mould and written a menu: cabbage and chickpea soup, broccoli bake with beetroot salad, carrot cake surprise, low-fat yogurt, apple or banana (for a treat). Bertie and his friends disapprove of the list because they all dislike both broccoli and cabbage and Bertie asks what the food is. Miss Beansprout says they're what growing children need but Bertie wants chips, custard or jam roly-poly pudding but Miss Beansprout dislikes both chips and custard and thinks pudding has too much sugar. Nick likes salad and orders some. Then, Miss Beansprout asks Bertie if he wants cabbage and chickpea soup or broccoli bake. Bertie wants pudding instead but Miss Beansprout chooses broccoli bake for him. Then, she serves him salad and asks if he wants yogurt or carrot cake surprise. Bertie asks what the surprise is and Miss Beansprout says it's that the carrots are organic. Bertie doesn't want his lunch but Nick points out that he hasn't tasted it, which Miss Beansprout thinks is a good point.

Over the next few days, Bertie still isn't satisfied with Miss Beansprout's food and he talks to his friends about it on the playground. Bertie and Darren are bored of vegetables and Darren is complaining they make him burp. Darren suggests locking Miss Beansprout in the dungeon but then Donna points out they don't have a dungeon. Bertie then decides to go on "strike" and not eat the food. Eugene isn't too sure but at lunch, he, along with Bertie, Donna and Darren say no to lunch.

Miss Beansprout points them out to Miss Skinner, who lets them go without lunch. At the table, the children are hungry. Darren and Eugene want to eat something, but Bertie is insistent that they keep striking. When Bertie arrives home, he runs upstairs when he hears his mother talking on the phone and saying, "I'll speak to him" and she then calls him downstairs. Bertie's mother has apparently heard about him not eating his school dinners and insists he eat them even when he points out that there is food he doesn't like in them because she thinks the food seems healthy. She makes him promise to eat his dinner the next day.

On the way to class, Bertie is sneaking something under his jumper into school and gets stopped by Miss Skinner, who's seen a "lump" in his jumper. She has him raise his hands and empty his pockets, revealing three packets of crisps under the jumper and candy in his pockets. Miss Skinner reminds him that it's against the rules to bring crisps or sweets to school. Later that day, Bertie walks past the staff room and sees Miss Skinner and Miss Boot sharing the chocolate that Bertie had earlier and noting that they don't like the school dinners either.

In the lunch room, Bertie is shocked that his friends are eating school dinners when they're supposed to be on strike and they apologize and say that their mothers made them promise too. The kids note how Eugene's cauliflower cheese looks disgusting. During break time the next day, Bertie sneaks into the lunch room and puts a can of maggots that his father uses as fishing bait into the salad. Miss Skinner eats some and then when she notices the maggots, she freaks out. She shows Miss Beansprout the salad and Miss Beansprout doesn't understand what happened, but Miss Skinner is still angry and fires Miss Beansprout. The next day, Mrs Mould is back, but Bertie doesn't want his spaghetti because he thinks it's wriggling.

Stinky
In his bedroom, Bertie is making a stink bomb out of a lump of "pongy" cheese, four rotten eggs, a tin of dog food, a sweaty football sock, three moudly cabbage leaves and a handful of dog fur, which he plans to use at school. Whiffer sniffs it and Bertie tells him not to eat it. Bertie hides the pot of ingredients and his mother enters, asking what he's doing. He says he is just playing and she comments that she smells something funny. Bertie pretends he doesn't smell anything. She thinks that Whiffer smells funny and suggests Bertie tidy his room. He thinks it's tidy already but she thinks it's covered in rubbish. Bertie says he likes his room messy but his mother says he has to clean it up because Suzy has invited a friend over for a sleepover. Bertie asks who the friend is and Suzy arrives and says it's Bella. Bertie's mother says that Suzy and Bella will sleep in Bertie's room and Bertie will sleep in Suzy's room due to Bertie's room being bigger than Suzy's. Neither Bertie nor Suzy like this because Bertie is feeling territorial and Suzy thinks Bertie's room is too messy.

When Bella gets dropped off, the girls go into Bertie's room and find him reading a comic. They want Bertie to leave but he wants them to leave, then Bella says that Bertie's bed smells and Bertie says that Bella smells. They argue, then Suzy suggests that they play that she can be Princess Bella. When Bertie calls her "Princess Smella", Bella twists Bertie's arm, lands on the camp bed which collapses, then starts crying. When Bertie's mother comes and asks what's going on, Bella accuses Bertie of hitting her, and Bertie says that Bella "practically broke [his] arm", but Suzy says that Bertie "started it [by spoiling their] game". Bertie's mother tells him to go to his room but Bertie points out that he's already in his room but Bertie's mother asks him to go to Suzy's room and stay there until supper.

Bertie sulks in Suzy's room, bored, until his mother calls him down for supper. He takes a slice of pizza but his mother says that he is being impolite by not letting Bella (because she's the visitor) eat first. Bertie gives Bella some pizza but she doesn't like pizza. Bertie's mother offers her some salad but she doesn't like that either. She then gives Bella chips but she only likes her mother's chips. Bertie then decides to eat Bella's food but despite not wanting it, Bella pulls so Bertie pulls back and makes a mess when the chips land on the floor. Bertie's mother sends him to his room.

After dinner, the girls are watching TV when Bertie comes in, wanting to watch a show called Alien Arthur that he sees every Saturday, but the girls want to watch a different show called Make Me a Pop Princess. They make a vote and he gets outvoted, so he sulks.

At bedtime, Bertie tells Bella that he hopes she will sleep. Bella is curious and he tells her his bedroom is haunted. She doesn't believe him, but he adds that he begged to sleep in Suzy's room (not true) because moaning and thumping noises have been keeping him awake. This manages to scare Bella. Bertie says that people only hear the noises if they're scared of ghosts.

At eleven o'clock, Bella has woken up and cannot sleep because she finds the mattress too lumpy and the room too dark and she keeps imagining noises. Bertie then enters, wearing a sheet and pretending to be a ghost. Suzy takes Bertie's sheet off and shoos him away, throwing pillows at him.

At midnight, everyone is asleep except Bertie. He sneaks into his room and dangles a plastic spider onto Bella's face from the windowsill. This scares her and she screams, which startles Bertie, so he trips and lands on Bella, who shouts, which wakes Suzy, who calls for their mother. She arrives and asks Bertie what he's doing. Bella says there was a spider and Bertie's mother gives it back to him. She then sends him back to bed and threatens to punish him with no sweets for a month. Meanwhile, Bella is hungry and she looks around Bertie's room for sweets. She opens the stink bomb, thinking it's sweets, and is shocked and disgusted. She wakes up Suzy and they go into Suzy's room demanding to sleep there, so he lets them swap rooms as long as they play whatever they wanted in the morning.

Walkies
Bertie is not thrilled about taking Whiffer to dog training classes, but his parents are too busy. Bertie thinks Whiffer doesn't need training but they point out that he barks at the doorbell, climbs on the sofa, and pooped on the Nicelys' lawn last week. Bertie says that all dogs do that but his parents are insistent. Bertie says that he already trained Whiffer, but the parents don't think so. Bertie tells Whiffer to stay and he does, but his parents don't think that counts as the dog was already asleep.

The following Friday, Bertie's father drops Bertie and Whiffer off at dog training classes. The dog trainer, Miss Bowser, inspects the dogs and then asks who Whiffer is. When Bertie introduces him, she tells him it's an unusual name and Bertie talks about Whiffer farting. She says that all dogs obey her and commands Whiffer to sit, which he does. At the beginning of the class, Miss Bowser says that a naughty dog doesn't get a treat. Miss Bowser starts a lesson on teaching dogs to come. Whiffer is the only dog who hasn't came and Bertie keeps the treat in his pocket. Miss Bowser says that Bertie has to let Whiffer see the dog treat. When she takes it out, he runs up to her and eats it.

That evening, Bertie tells his mother that it went terribly because Miss Bowser shouts a lot and Whiffer sits instead of coming and lies down when he says, "walkies". Bertie's mother says that Whiffer is bound to improve as he has seven more weeks of training, which Bertie thinks is too many. He then adds that Whiffer has to pass his ODD (Obedient Dog Diploma) and his mother bets that if Whiffer passes, she'll double Bertie's pocket money.

Over the next six weeks, Whiffer makes friends with a dog called Bonzo and learns to steal biscuits from Bertie's pocket but is still just as disobedient. At school, Bertie tells Donna about the problem and she suggests giving him extra lessons in the park. It doesn't work, then Donna suggests they try getting Bertie to do what Whiffer's supposed to do. Bertie is reluctant but does it anyway. Whiffer copies. The following Friday, Whiffer, Bonzo, Trixie the terrier and Dodie the Dalmatian are applying for their test. The other dogs run the obstacle course and ace the test. Bertie does the test and Whiffer follows. Then, a frisbee flies through the air and hits Bertie on the head. Whiffer catches it and a boy in a football shirt wants it back. Whiffer then runs away with it, followed by fifteen other dogs. Miss Bowser blames Bertie, but Whiffer passes the test anyway.