Dirty Bertie: Fetch!

Dirty Bertie: Fetch is a 2010 book.

Fetch
Bertie receives a large box in the post. It turns out to be an animatronic dog named Tiny from his Uncle Ed that was intended for his birthday but arrived late. Bertie is very excited and wants to train Tiny to do his bidding, but Whiffer is confused because Tiny looks like a dog but doesn't smell like one. Bertie activates Tiny and gives him several commands, which impresses his family, but Whiffer gets angry and jumps on Tiny. This causes Bertie to get angry as well and send Whiffer out. Outside, Whiffer sulks about being "replaced" by Tiny and swears revenge on him.

The next morning, Whiffer goes to check the post, but Tiny beats him to it. The family continues to marvel over Tiny's abilities and his good "manners", while Tiny does a little dance. Whiffer gets hungry and tries to get the family to feed him, but everybody is too busy.

At lunch time, Darren and Eugene come over to play with Tiny. They too are impressed with Tiny and Bertie shows Tiny's tricks such as begging, sitting, lying down, dancing, playing dead, and cocking his leg as if weeing. Whiffer is indignant, especially since when he wees on things he gets in trouble, and tries to get the boys' attention by chasing his tail. However, they just chalk that up to "acting weird". Bertie then has Tiny fetch a stick, which Whiffer tries to fetch, only to get stopped, so he tries fetching a bigger stick. Unfortunately, he uses the clothes prop, which makes Mrs. Burns mad.

Over the next week, Whiffer continues to behave inappropriately to either get rid of Tiny or get attention, so on Friday, Mr. and Mrs. Burns tell Bertie to give Whiffer more attention so that he'll stop acting up out of jealousy.

Bertie takes Whiffer and Tiny for a walk, when a girl notices Tiny and asks him to fetch her ball. When Bertie throws the ball, Whiffer chases it and both he and Tiny land in the pond. Bertie, however, doesn't care that Tiny landed in the pond and runs off to play with Whiffer.

Royal
Gran excitedly runs into the Burns house, revealing that she's been invited to a garden party at Buckingham Palace. The invite says that she can bring along one guest, so the family tries to butter her up. Gran chooses Bertie, which shocks Suzy and Mr. Burns due to his bad manners.

At school, Bertie tells his classmates about meeting the Queen, but they don't believe him and think it's an attempt at a joke, so Bertie promises to bring back a photo with the Queen.

Over the next week, his parents give Bertie advice and commands about his manners and his mother has him pretend she's the Queen and they've just met. Bertie tries asking, "Where's the food?" because he'd be hungry, but his mother deems that impolite and reminds him to call the Queen "Your Majesty". Bertie tries too hard to do a "fancy" voice and bows at the wrong time. Eventually, Mrs. Burns gives up and just hopes Bertie never gets to meet the Queen.

Bertie and Gran go to the party in their finery, but Bertie doesn't like the party: the other guests are getting in the way, the only food is tiny cucumber sandwiches, nobody's doing anything interesting, and the Queen is nowhere in sight. He asks for cake and Gran reluctantly lets him go get it, as long as he isn't greedy.

While eating the cake, Bertie meets an old woman in a blue dress who asks him if he enjoys the party. He admits to finding it boring. The woman asks if Bertie likes dogs, and when he tells her about Whiffer, she and her footman take him to meet her five corgis: Molly, Polly, Jemima, Georgia, and Vicky.

When Bertie meets the dogs, the maid who is walking him lets him walk them because she dislikes dogs. He has a bit of trouble and lets go of their leads after accidentally spraying himself with a sprinkler. The dogs crash into a waiter, who drops his tray and apologise to the woman in blue, revealing her to be the Queen as he called her "Your Majesty". Bertie is nervous but still asks the Queen to be in a photo, which he shows to his classmates on Monday.

Wedding
Bertie has to be a pageboy for his cousin Dora and her fiance Bruce's wedding, but he doesn't want to go because he hates weddings. He is even more displeased upon finding out he needs to wear a kilt, even when his mother lets him know that Bruce is Scottish and lots of the men will be wearing kilts.

At the wedding shop, Suzy loves her new dress, but Bertie is embarrassed by his kilt because it looks like a skirt and it reaches his ankles. Bertie tries lying that the kilt is torn, lost, or has been in the toilet but Mrs. Burns sees through his lies.

On the car ride to the church, Bertie asks to see the ring and Neil, the best man, reluctantly lets him see it. Bertie tries it on, but it gets stuck to his thumb and the adults can't take it off, so Mr. Burns takes Bertie to the church hall to find butter to take the ring off. Bertie doesn't find any butter, so he uses icing from the cake and unfortunately removes a few letters. Bertie manages to deliver the ring, but Dora freaks out about the cake being messed up.