Dirty Bertie: Scream!

'''Dirty Bertie: Scream! '''is a book.

Scream
Bertie jumps out at Mrs. Burns, roaring and wearing a monster mask. She tells him not to as it scared her, but he says that the mask is meant to scare people. She asks where he got it from, and he says that he got it from the shop and it is for Halloween. Mrs. Burns, however, tells Bertie that he will not go trick-or-treating as last year, Mrs. Nicely complained due to being afraid of the plastic bats he tried to prank her with. Mrs. Burns then adds that she and Mr. Burns are going to Suzy's concert, leaving Bertie with Gran. Bertie points out that Darren and Eugene would miss him, but Mrs. Burns suggests inviting them over, and when Bertie asks about the sweets, Mrs. Burns decides to leave out squash and biscuits, but he is none too pleased with that.

At six, the parents leave, but, to Bertie's annoyance, they leave out jelly eyeballs for the trick-or-treaters and don't even allow him to eat one.

Darren and Eugene arrive, and he explains the situation to them. Then, he shares the jelly eyeballs with his friends, rationalising that he came to the door to let them in. After the sweets are gone, the boys become bored and try to think of something to do. Bertie thinks of making a haunted house and having people pay in sweets.

His friends think that is a good idea, but when Eugene tries to impersonate a ghost, he doesn't come off as scary. Bertie then suggests of having a haunted tomb where someone dresses as a mummy, but that leaves the question of who. Eugene says no because his mother wouldn't want him to lie in a coffin, but Bertie has to answer the door, and Darren would rather be Splat-Man.

Eventually, Darren gets wrapped up, and despite his not being able to see, he takes to his role quite well. Nick arrives, but due to Bertie, Darren, and Eugene having eaten all the sweets, he only gets a biscuit. He demands something better and Bertie tells him about the haunted house. Nick is dubious, but eventually gives up eight sweets and goes in. Then, Angela and Laura come in too.

Bertie leads Nick and the girls upstairs and tells them that he's heard noises and seen an eyeless ghost. Then, he takes them into his room and they chant, "O-Y-M-I-Adumbo" to wake up the "mummy". Darren sits up and asks who dares to wake him. Nick and the girls scream, drop their sweets, and run away, and the boys laugh. Then, Darren goes downstairs where Gran is watching a horror movie and scares her.

Weekend
On a Friday, Bertie comes home and turns the television on, but then Mrs. Burns tells him to pack as they're spending a weekend in the country. Bertie finds the idea boring, especially since last time he was in the country there was nothing to do and they went for walks in the rain. He especially isn't keen on the idea that there is no TV and Mr. Burns wants to go birdwatching. Suzy brings her books.

Mrs. Burns sends Bertie off to pack what he needs, so he packs his comics, a Dinosaur Hunters' kit, a sticker album, and a boardgame called Gunk the Skunk. Mrs. Burns clarifies she means clothes and tells him to get rid of his entertainment, which he feels is unfair, since his parents are taking hiking gear and Suzy is taking her books and pencil set. He then empties the bag of hiking gear and puts his stuff in it.

The family hauls Whiffer into the car, then the kids squabble over room in the backseat. Bertie is hungry and Mrs. Burns tells him to wait, but he refuses, so she tells him to eat chocolate biscuits from a bag. Later, there is a traffic jam and Mrs. Burns suggests a story tape, but then changes her mind when the kids argue about what they want to listen to. Bertie tries reading comics, but that makes him throw up.

At night, the Burnses arrive at the cottage, but they feel cold and decide to turn in without dinner. Bertie is kept awake until midnight due to the dark and the animals making noises outside. Suzy tries to reassure him that werewolves only live in the woods, but there are woods nearby. The parents are also having a bad sleep due to their bed being noisy and lumpy and Mr. Burns is kept awake by the sheep. Then, the kids go to sleep in the parents' bed.

To make up for lost sleep, the family sleeps in past ten, and they plan to go for a walk in the rain, but because Bertie has taken out their raincoats, they can't.

Spell
Miss Boot announces a spelling bee and most of the class wants to participate, but Bertie just pulls a face. She then announces that there will be a spelling test, which scares him as he is bad at spelling. He distracts Nick with his mitten and steals his answer sheet, writes his name on it, and writes, "Nicholas" on his own. Then, he hands them both in.

After break, Miss Boot is unimpressed with most of the class but is impressed with Donna and Bertie and enters them in the spelling bee. Bertie is understandably worried.

At dinner, Bertie breaks the news and Mr. Burns and Suzy are confused, but Mrs. Burns just thinks Bertie's spelling has improved. The parents have him learn twenty spellings every evening.

At the contest, Donna explains that you get kicked out for misspelling a single word, which Bertie thinks is "brutal". In the boys' toilets, he tells Eugene about how he cheated and to give him clues (like if the letter is "I", point to his eye.)

The first contestant is a girl, who is kicked out straight away due to misspelling "cloudy" as "clowdy" and she even cries. When it is Bertie's turn, he has to spell "dripping" and after "D-R-I", Eugene rolls his eyes, screws up his face, and bounces up and down, so Bertie says, "Bonkers!". But then he realises that "bonkers" is not a letter. He observes that Eugene looks like he's either in pain or needs the loo, and, thinking up some bathroom-related words, realises that the letters are "P-P".

After a while, Bertie does well, but then Miss Boot sits down next to Eugene. Bertie's next word is "unusual", which he misspells as "unyoojal".

After the bee, Miss Boot reveals that Nick told her that he was looking at Eugene every time he was stuck.