Dirty Bertie: Yuck!

Dirty Bertie: Yuck! is a 2008 book.

Yuck
It begins with Bertie arriving home from school excited, and telling his mother, who's writing a letter, that there is going to be a funfair. He expects her to be excited too, but she isn't, and when he asks if he can go, she says no, on account of last time they went to a funfair (the previous year), he was too scared to go on the ghost train and fell into the water-splash trying to rescue his toffee apple. Bertie pleads, on account that his friends would be there, but she insists.

He runs outside and asks his father, who is raking the lawn, to take him to the fair, but the father says no on account of the fact that he has choir practice. Bertie runs off in a sulk, spreading grass everywhere due to having stepped in his father's pile of grass. He sulkily thinks that his parents are selfish, taking him to places he doesn't like and not taking him to places he likes, then gets the idea of asking Gran to take him, as she is always available.

He goes to Gran's house, where she is watching television with her neighbour Sherry, who Bertie dislikes. Sherry annoys Bertie by calling herself his "auntie", kissing him, and saying that soon he will have a girlfriend. When he asks about the funfair, Gran is very keen to go, but so is Sherry, which Bertie doesn't like, but he puts up with it.

At the funfair, Bertie sees a large jar of assorted sweets as a prize for a game. He throws three hoops in attempt to hoop the jar but fails three times in a row. Sherry has a try, and wins two sets of Deely Boppers, which she and Gran put on and laugh. This embarrasses Bertie, as he feels they're too old for them and that they look like "alien grannies from the planet Bonkers".

He follows them in a bad mood, worried that it'd be embarrassing if a friend saw him. He then spots Know-it-all Nick holding a balloon and feels that he cannot be seen with the two elderly women by Nick. He leads Gran and Sherry over to the bumper cars and wants to go by himself, but the ladies join in, believing that it's more enjoyable when you're accompanied. They swerve around and start an argument among the other drivers. Bertie then spots a ride called the Rattle and Roll, which is said to be unsuitable for "under 7's, over 70's, and nervous ninnies". He gets the idea that if he chooses all the scariest rides, the "grannies" would not want to join him as "everyone knows grannies hate scary rides", and that that way, he wouldn't be seen in company of them in front of Nick.

The old women dare each other to go on the ride so end up riding with Bertie. The ride goes up and down, which makes Bertie very nervous and dizzy. The grannies get nervous and dizzy too, but also enjoy it. They then approach the food kiosk and Bertie's dizziness has gone away and he buys candyfloss, a toffee apple and a fizzy drink. He ends up dropping the candyfloss in attempt to hold it all, but eats it anyway, disgusting Gran. Bertie then sees Nick again, so he goes over to the roller coaster to hide. He's not sure he wants to go on, but he has no choice. They get on and the roller coaster makes him scared, nauseated and dizzy and makes him worried it will prove fatal. Gran and Sherry, however, like it. Nick shows up, having won the giant jar of sweets, but Bertie still doesn't feel right and throws up.

Beg
It begins with Bertie trying on a sailor suit for Victorian History Day (a day where everyone at his school must arrive in costume) that he dislikes. He wants to go as a pirate, dustman or a robber, but his mother won't let him. He says he looks like a girl, but his mother says that boys used to wear those clothes in the Victorian times. He sulks, finding it unfair that his parents tell him what to wear but not the other way round, and musing that his friends' costumes (Donna as a flower girl, Darren as a chimney sweep, and Eugene as a butler) are better. Bertie then rips his collar, trying to take it off. He tries tearing the other side to "even it up" but that just makes it worse. He thinks he looks like a "scruffy old beggar", then decides that dressing up as a beggar would be a good idea.

Later, Bertie's mother calls him downstairs and is shocked to see that he's cut up his suit with scissors, is wearing a scruffy cap, and is barefoot. She says his costume is ruined, but he says that he is going as a beggar, and beggars don't go around in sailor suits, because "if they did, nobody would give them any money". She notices that he has put red blotches on his face and asks him about it. He replies that he drew them on with felt pen because poor people were always getting "plagues and diseases". His mother doesn't want him to come to school in that outfit because he looks like a scarecrow, but Bertie says that that's how beggars look and that Miss Boot only said to come as a Victorian, not that they had to be smart. The mother reluctantly agrees to let him wear the outfit because they are running late.

Bertie is disappointed at Victorian Day as Miss Boot had brought a cane and makes students stand in the corner for speaking, laughing or burping during class. After school, Bertie's mother collects him and they stop by the supermarket. Bertie usually enjoys shopping, but this time, they have Whiffer with them and he must wait outside as dogs are not permitted. Bertie offers to keep him company and his mother lets him, but only if he does not go anywhere and takes off his "horrible" hat. He takes it off and his mother begins her shopping.

While Bertie checks Whiffer's fur for fleas, other people see him and feel sorry for him. Then, a woman comes and throws fifty pence into his hat. Bertie is surprised that a total stranger is giving him money, but then realises that she must think he's begging because he's dressed as a beggar. This makes him happy. Bertie makes a sad face, and a man drops twenty pence into his hat. Bertie is pleased that he now has seventy pence and thinks that at this rate, he would be rich.

For the next fifteen minutes, Bertie tries different expressions on the shoppers. He finds that smiling does not get him paid and he gets paid the most when he "looks like his pet earthworm died". More strangers pay him, and just as he's about to count his money, a woman comes up and asks where his mother is. Bertie, putting on a sad face, says that she isn't present. When the woman asks if the mother is coming back, Bertie says that he "expects so". When the woman asks if his mother knows he's begging, he replies that she wants him to beg, which prompts the woman to ask if the mother is forcing him to beg. He replies that she doesn't force him, but that if he doesn't beg, they won't get supper as his family is poor and his dad's a chimney sweep. The woman then sees the red blotches on his face and wonders if he's unwell. He replies that he probably has the plague, and she goes off to fetch someone.

Bertie picks up his hat full of coins, but then the woman reappears with a security guard. They go towards him, looking determined and he picks his hat up and runs, taking Whiffer with him. Bertie runs into the supermarket, confusing the people in there. He grabs a trolley, puts Whiffer in the basket, and pushes it, ducking past a woman with a pineapple and a cheese counter. The guard chases him. Bertie and Whiffer then crash into his mother, knocking her to the floor, spilling the milk and breaking all the eggs she bought. The guard asks if Bertie is her son and she affirms and says she will pay for the damage. However, the guard and the strange lady plan to report Bertie's mother for allegedly sending him out to beg. She explains that he's only dressed up for school, and he takes off his hat to apologise, but the coins spill out.

Bum
It begins with Bertie's mother getting off the phone and saying that her friends Simon and Jenny have invited them over. Suzy and her father disapprove, and Bertie asks who Simon and Jenny are. His mother replies that they visited on Easter with baby Molly, and Bertie remembers and doesn't seem to like the idea of them very much. His mother tells him not to wipe with his sleeve. He asks not to go and she says he has to because Simon and Jenny are their friends and they should be nice. Bertie says that they're not his friends, and his mother says that Jenny is her friend. Bertie complains that he will be bored, but his mother says he could play with Molly. However, Bertie does not like that idea as the last time he saw her, she cried a lot, pulled his hair, poked his eye and tried to kiss him. Suzy lets her mother know that on the same date, she is going riding with Nisha, so her mother says that it will be just the three of them. Bertie says it is unfair that Suzy doesn't have to go and he does, but his mother says that it is different because they'd already planned for Suzy and Nisha's play-date. Bertie decides he wants to be busy too and suggests looking after Whiffer, but his father wants to. The mother says that Gran is taking care of Whiffer and that she wants Bertie to be on his best behavior.

Simon and Jenny ring the doorbell, Jenny holding Molly, who holds her hands out to Bertie and says, "bee bee da da!". Jenny then sets Molly down on the floor and shows them that she can walk. Simon, Jenny, and Bertie's mother all think that it's amazing that Molly can walk. Bertie's father is happy for them but isn't as impressed, and asks how long she's been walking for. Simon replies that it was for three weeks and two days, and they were in the kitchen and Molly was playing with her bricks when she started walking. Bertie doesn't understand what all the fuss is because he walks to school and back. Molly hands Bertie a blue, small, slobbered-on teddy bear. His mother asks him to thank Molly and he reluctantly does. Molly hugs an annoyed Bertie and gives him several slobbery kisses.

For the next hour, the parents talk over coffee and Bertie builds block towers for Molly in the play room so she can knock them over. At five o'clock, they gather to watch Jenny feed Molly some baby food which reminds Bertie of snot. Jenny supposes that Molly will be talking soon. Bertie's mother says that he didn't start talking until he was almost two and asks how old Molly is. Jenny says she is fourteen months old but very advanced and asks her to say, "Mum". She says, "Bee-bee" instead. Bertie thinks it's strange how people call him messy but Molly's a very messy eater. Jenny adds that Molly's little friend Nadia who they see at Teeny-Time Song Group on Fridays has started to speak but that she's three weeks older than Molly and less intelligent. Bertie asks when supper is, and his mother grumpily asks if he can find something to do. Bertie doesn't know what to do, and his mother suggests colouring but he has nothing to colour and asks if he can watch the telly. Jenny says that she and Simon have a bet on what Molly's first word will be: she thinks it will be "Mum" and he thinks it will be "Dad". Bertie cheekily suggests it could be "Poo" because "babies poo all the time". This offends his mother, and Jenny, who covers Molly's ears. Bertie's mother sends him next door to watch television.

That night, Bertie stays in Molly's bedroom, her cot having been moved to her parents' room to make way for him. He gets out of bed to wind up the Baa Baa Black Sheep mobile and see if he can make the sheep spin faster. Molly goes in and shouts, "BEE BEE!" which startles Bertie and he takes a step back, grabs the mobile and falls down. He exclaims, "BUM!". Molly copies, which scares Bertie. She then starts saying, "Bum" over and over in a singsong voice while stomping. He puts a hand over her mouth and shushes her, telling her she's naughty and mustn't say, "Bum" but she keeps saying it anyway and pokes his nose, giggling. He closes the door and decides that he could try to teach her a new word as babies tend to copy. He looks at her seriously and tries to get her to say his name, but she just says, "Bum" again. He waves the mobile in front of her and tries to get her to say, "Sheep" but she just says, "Bum" again. Bertie is worried because he thinks Simon and Jenny would freak out if they found out that their daughter's first word was "Bum". And he also thinks he'd get the blame, even if he explained it was an accident. He grabs a toy dog and asks what noise a dog makes, and she replies, "Bee bee" and kisses the puppy toy. However, she says, "Bum" again when she wants to go out.

The next morning, Bertie plays with Molly's toy farm, plays "Peepo" behind the sofa, and watches a TV show called Fifi's Fairy Friends, all of which bore him, but he feels he must keep Molly occupied so she'd forget about the word "Bum". After lunch, Simon suggests they take Molly to the park, which Bertie likes the sound of as it means getting out of the house, which he's bored of being in. Molly sits on the baby swing and only lets Bertie push her. Nadia then comes over and sits on a swing next to Molly, calling her "Monny". Nadia's mother tells Jenny about how Nadia has learned a lot of new words, including "Biscuit". She then asks if Molly has said anything yet. Jenny replies that she only knows baby words and introduces Bertie. Molly's swing slows down, which frustrates her and she bounces up and down and shouts, "BUM!". She then starts singing the word "Bum" over and over, which amuses Nadia's mother until Nadia joins in. She tells Nadia to say, "Bottom" instead and angrily states that she thought Molly didn't speak. Jenny apologises and lets Nadia's mother know that she is just as surprised, and Bertie leaves, to "go for a poo", he says.