Dirty Bertie: Monster!

'''Dirty Bertie: Monster! '''is a book.

Monster
Miss Boot announces that the Summer Fair is a week away and she needs students to run the stalls. Bertie, Darren, and Eugene want to run the face painting stall. Miss Boot says no because, while she doesn't consider Darren and Eugene, she imagines that Bertie would give the kids ugly face paintings, so instead, she gives the job to Donna and Pamela, while leaving the boys in charge of the lucky dip. Bertie is none too pleased because he finds the idea of running the Lucky Dip boring, and besides, he hates the prizes.

At break time, Darren agrees that running the Lucky Dip is boring, but Eugene decides that there isn't anything they can do about it. Bertie, however, isn't giving up.

On the day of the Summer Fair, the boys are bored running the Lucky Dip and observe the girls painting people's faces. Bertie thinks they're not doing it properly and suggests asking them to stop. Darren bluntly points out that they would likely find the Lucky Dip boring too. Then, Bertie gets an idea: make the prizes more interesting. He asks Eugene for a pound, Eugene reluctantly hands him one, and Bertie puts the coin in the dip. Royston comes over and wins the pound, then Bertie lies, saying that there is more money in the dip.

Darren points out that there is no money in the dip, but Bertie says that they're the only ones who know it was a lie and soon everybody will be having a go, which might convince Donna and Pamela to swap. And it works.

Bertie, Darren, and Eugene have fun at the face painting stall, painting people as two pirates, a ghost, a rat (Royston by Darren), and a measles patient (Angela by Eugene). Nick comes over and is initially reluctant to have his face painted since his skin, according to his mother, is sensitive, but he perks up when they tell them that the paints are sensitive and they could paint him as a superhero. He imagines himself as a neat freak superhero named Tidyman, then decides to be painted as a lion. Bertie can't imagine Nick as a lion and finds the idea too easy, so he paints him as Frankenstein's monster instead, then prevents him from looking in the mirror by claiming that Darren broke it.

Nick walks off, trying to scare people, and decides to scare his mother, who is talking to Miss Boot. While Bertie, Darren, and Eugene watch, Nick pounces on the two women and roars. Mrs. Payne gets scared, but Miss Boot just gets angry. He claims he's a lion and Miss Boot shows him a mirror. When Miss Boot says that Donna and Pamela should be ashamed, Nick reveals that Bertie was the one who painted his face. Miss Boot goes off to look for Bertie, but he's hiding in the Lucky Dip.

Buskers
On Saturday morning, Mrs. Burns is taking her kids shopping so that Suzy can buy shoes for school. Bertie is very bored, then he sees a man playing an instrument and comes over to have a look. He notices that the man, who is a busker, has a hat that people are putting money in, so Bertie picks up the hat. Mrs. Burns and Suzy run over and prevent him from stealing it.

At the shoe shop, Mrs. Burns explains that buskers leave hats to collect money from people who like their music. Bertie is interested in the idea of busking and wonders if he could do it. Mrs. Burns and Suzy point out that the only instrument he knows how to play is the recorder, and he broke his, and besides, he's only seven. Bertie, however, doesn't think his age has anything to do with it and considers busking with Darren and Eugene.

After the shopping trip (which failed due to Suzy's not liking any of the shoes), Bertie tells his friends about the busking. Darren thinks it's a ludicrous idea and Eugene points out that he's only starting to learn the violin. Bertie then fetches his kazoo and a biscuit tin to use as a drum for Darren, while Eugene gets his violin, and they start to play and, in Bertie's case, sing, Jingle Bells. Mr. Burns enters, frowning, and demanding to know what the noise is. When Bertie explains to Mr. Burns that they're practising to busk, he sternly tells them that they need licenses and to be quiet as he's trying to work.

At lunch, the boys ask Mrs. Burns if they can busk, but she again says that, no, they're too young. Bertie decides that they could go to the park and take their instruments with them. They head off to the park, hiding their instruments in their coats and claiming they need them for goalpoasts, and Mrs. Burns is suspicious but tells them to be back by four.

At the park, the boys go to the shops, (with Darren and Eugene a bit nervous) and start playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. However, they prove very unpopular and the manager even shoos them away. They try Jingle Bells, but it's not even remotely more popular.

Farther down the street, Bertie wants to try again, but his friends have given up. They reluctantly give it a go, only for the busker from before to show up and start playing his saxophone. The boys try to play The Wheels on the Bus anyway, but the busker gets mad at them. They try playing again, but louder, but this doesn't work and the busker gives them a pound each to bribe them into leaving.

The boys give up and go to the sweet shop, only for Mrs. Burns and Suzy to show up, confiscate the money (believing they earned it busking) and give it (back) to the busker.

Rocky
Mr. Burns eagerly wakes up his wife and kids while at a youth hostel and claims they're going on an adventure. Bertie eagerly wonders if they're going to a place called Go Wild!, which is a nature-themed theme park. Mr. Burns says that they're climbing Craggy Peak (a mountain) instead. Mrs. Burns and the kids, however, think this is a bad idea-- Mrs. Burns and Suzy because they think they won't be able to and Bertie because he simply finds the idea boring.

They start to climb, with Mr. Burns still being the only enthusiastic one, but later the kids start to warm up to the mountain climbing and even though they run but the adults only walk, the adults get tired while the kids are still energetic. Bertie starts to have fun finding sheep poo, mud, and a stick to bother Suzy with, then the family realises that they've lost their way.

However, they soon find their path and Bertie reaches the top, followed by Mrs. Burns and Suzy, but Mr. Burns has gotten stuck and refuses to let go of the rock because of his fear of heights. To make matters worse, Mrs. Burns's cellphone isn't getting any signal.

Mrs. Burns sends the kids down, where they tell some ramblers about the situation. Bertie exaggerates, so the ramblers get a helicopter rescue team. Bertie enjoys riding the helicopter and Mrs. Burns lets them go to Go Wild! the next day.

Trivia

 * Bertie claims that his parents go on at him telling him to learn an instrument, only to complain when he practises. A similar thing happened in the story "Boast!".
 * The story "Buskers!" is said to take place in mid June.
 * Error: Mrs. Burns refers to Mr. Burns's fear of heights as "vertigo". In reality, the fear of heights is called acrophobia while vertigo is another word for dizziness. Sometimes acrophobia is caused by vertigo (i.e. being high up makes them dizzy, so they become nervous in anticipation of the dizziness), or vice versa (dizzy spells are sometimes caused by fear, which could be brought on by acrophobia) but it is not the same thing: a person can be acrophobic and still feel physically normal, or have different symptoms such as heart palpitations, while up high.