Dirty Bertie: Crackers!

Dirty Bertie: Crackers! is a 2008 book.

Synopsis
It begins with Bertie walking into the living room, pretending to be a pirate. His mother tells him not to, but he says that he is practicing for the Christmas play audition that's happening in church that day. Bertie's mother says that she thought it was a nativity play. Bertie says it is and he is going to play one of the three kings. When questioned on his attire, he says he will be the pirate king. When Bertie's mother tells him there are no pirates in the Christmas story, Bertie says that there could be, and they could fight robbers. His mother says that he cannot just rewrite the story but he doesn't know why because everybody he knows has seen the nativity before. His mother says that if Miss Boot saw him dressed as a pirate, he wouldn't get a part but Bertie says that Miss Boot is not directing the play, but the new teacher Miss Darling is.

At the audition, Miss Darling asks who wants to audition first. She picks Bertie out of a dozen volunteers and asks his name. When he tells her, she asks him to take off his hat. He says it's his costume, but she points out that there are no pirates in the play. Bertie says that there are three kings and he is the pirate king. Miss Darling, who's getting impatient, suggests he just read through the part. Bertie gets onstage and says his lines in pirate lingo. Miss Darling suggests he goes without the "funny talk", but he says that it is how pirates talk and not meant to be funny. Miss Darling says she knows but to stop talking like a pirate anyway. Bertie tries talking normally but still waves his sword, and nearly hits Know-it-all Nick. When Nick blames Bertie, Bertie says it's Nick's fault for being "in the way" and shoves him. Nick shoves Bertie back, knocking over his hat, and accuses him of "fighting". Bertie's audition is over.

The next day, the kids get their parts. Bertie is in a bad mood because Nick is chosen to play a king (and the other two kings are being played by Josh and Zadie) and he himself is chosen to play a shepherd, which Nick teases him for. Someone asks Bertie how many lines he has, but he doesn't know due to not having checked. Nick has, and tells Bertie that he has one line on page 15, but that he himself (Nick) has hundreds of lines and is almost on every page. Bertie ignores Nick, but Nick goes on, saying that Miss Darling wants him to sing a solo because she likes his singing voice. Bertie just calls Nick's face ugly.

Later, they are having a dress rehearsal with Nick in a purple cloak and crown but Bertie in a tea towel. Miss Darling tells the angels to tiptoe in around the manger, the kings to give their presents, and is about to tell the shepherds what to do but can't find them. Bertie says that he has lost a sheep, but Miss Darling points out that he doesn't have any sheep. Bertie says that they are pretend sheep and he only has five out of six. Miss Darling tells him to come onstage anyway and bring the pretend sheep. Bertie, Darren and Eugene walk onstage, bleating like sheep. After a struggle on who gets to be in front, Nick walks up to the front, smirks, and starts to sing Silent Night. Bertie says, "baa" in the middle of the song. Miss Darling hears and asks who baa-ed. Zadie confirms Bertie did it, and Bertie claims that his "lost sheep is back". Nick tries to sing again, but Bertie interrupts by suggesting they bring a (real) dog in to be a sheepdog, and that Whiffer could play the part. Darren and Eugene think it's a good idea, but Miss Darling isn't so sure. She says that dogs are not allowed in church lest they misbehave, but Bertie says that Whiffer won't misbehave as he's got a certificate at training school. Miss Darling still isn't sure, but she doesn't say no either. Soon, she forgets, but Bertie doesn't, thinking that if she didn't say, "No", she must have meant, "Yes".

On the night of the play, Bertie arrives with Whiffer, not having asked permission as he wanted it to be a surprise. Miss Boot acts very scared of Whiffer, tells him to "shoo", and calls him a brute. When Bertie tells her that Whiffer is in the play and will not hurt her, she doesn't care and continues shooing him. Bertie says that Miss Darling let him bring Whiffer, but Miss Darling starts to explain that it was a mistake, however, Miss Boot doesn't care what happened, all she wants is for Whiffer to go away because she thinks he'll "ruin the performance". Then the vicar arrives, and Miss Boot threatens that if Whiffer does so much as whimper, she will hold Bertie responsible.

The play starts, and the shepherds come in last. Bertie's parents, sitting in the front row, are shocked to see Whiffer. Everybody thinks Whiffer's going to be naughty, but he isn't. However, things go a bit wrong at the end, when Nick tries to sing Silent Night but Whiffer howls along. Bertie tries muffling Whiffer, but that just makes the audience laugh. When Nick tries again, Whiffer howls again, which makes the audience laugh again. Nick gets angry and throws his gift at Whiffer, but it bounces off Bertie's head. Bertie pokes Nick with his crook and Nick falls off the stage. Then, the actors all start brawling. Whiffer is happy, but Miss Boot is very angry.

On their way home from church, Miss Skinner and Miss Darling are being dramatic about how bad it was, and Bertie puts his tea towel over his face but Miss Boot says that she wants to talk to him. Bertie tries to explain that it wasn't his fault, but Miss Boot doesn't care. When Whiffer walks up, she tries to shoo him away again. Bertie tries to tell Miss Boot that Whiffer just wants to play, but she runs away instead, with Whiffer chasing her. Miss Boot says "just go", so Bertie does. Darren and Eugene, who are playing outside, ask what happened. Bertie says nothing happened and Miss Boot just told him to go, which causes Darren to shake his head at teachers in general. Bertie then suggests that they take Whiffer carol singing, which Darren and Eugene like the idea of.

Elf
Bertie is very excited because the school Christmas fair is the next day. Bertie's father comes in, dressed up as Father Christmas. At first, Bertie doesn't recognize him but Bertie's father explains that he is dressed up for the fair for Santa's Grotto as Mr Grouch has lost his voice so cannot do it. This surprises Bertie and his father asks if he can help. Bertie asks how he can help, and his father holds up a costume and asks Bertie if he can be an elf. Bertie says no but his father says it will be fun. Bertie still says no because he thinks the outfit is "soppy" and is worried he will be laughed at. Bertie's father says that all he will do is take the money and show the children in, but Bertie asks his father why he couldn't do that himself. Bertie's father says he is going to be too busy being Father Christmas but Bertie says he will be busy too. When his father asks what Bertie will be busy doing, he says he will be busy going around the fair. Bertie's father says there will be time for that afterwards. Bertie still doesn't want to be an elf, but his father gives him his attention when he mentions giving the present to someone else. He asks what the present is and his father says that he was planning to let Bertie choose a present from his sack. Bertie decides he wants to be an elf and asks for the present right then. His father says he has to have it afterwards.

When his father works on the computer, Bertie sneaks into his parents' room and takes the Santa Sack out from under the bed. He initially decides to just look at one, but when a bit of wrapping paper comes off, revealing a toy wand which he doesn't like, he starts ripping multiple presents open, revealing a jigsaw, a set of pens, and an Alien Egg toy, the latter of which gets his attention as he has always wanted one. Bertie thinks his situation over. He considers taking the egg and hiding it in his room, but decides that's too risky as his mother has a tendency to sneak into his room and tidy up. He decides he'd better wait until the next day but worries that a "greedy" kid will claim it first, so he re-wraps it and draws a blob on it with a red felt tip pen.

The next day, Bertie's father is getting into costume, and Bertie asks why he has to wear the "stupid dress". His father says that it is not a dress, but Bertie wants to be a goblin. His father tells him no because Father Christmas doesn't have goblins. Bertie asks for a look around the fair but his father doesn't let him and tells him to be helpful. Bertie claims he is being helpful and sulks because he thinks his tights are too tight and his hat makes him look like Noddy. He hopes Darren and Eugene don't see him lest they laugh at him.

Santa's Grotto is set up, with Bertie having suggested making a pile of presents, making sure to keep the Alien Egg on top so he can look at it. When a little boy asks if he's an elf, he claims to be a goblin. The other boy asks where Father Christmas is, and Bertie points at his father dressed as Father Christmas and says it is fifty pence. The other boy pays and Bertie explains that he can take any present except the ones on the floor. When the other boy asks why he's not allowed to touch the presents on the floor, Bertie claims that they belong to the goblins and if he touches them, they will find out and look for him at night. This scares the other boy, who runs into the grotto.

Later, Bertie is sulky again because he sees other people playing the games that he's not allowed to play. Angela Nicely shows up with her friend Laura. Angela tells Bertie he looks funny and asks if he's "Robbing" Hood. Bertie claims again to be a goblin. She wants to wear his hat, but he doesn't let her, claiming that only goblins wear them. Angela boasts that she won a lollipop on the Lucky Dip and asks Bertie if he won a prize. Bertie tells Angela he hasn't been on anything, invoking sympathy in Angela. Bertie then claims that the stalls are "boring" and being a goblin is more fun, especially if you're the Head Goblin in charge of guarding the money and presents. Angela and Laura want to be goblins. At first, Bertie claims they're too young, but then he makes Angela "Head Goblin". Laura asks what she does and Bertie says that she makes sure people go in one at a time.

Bertie leaves to look at the fair, but warns Angela and Laura to tell the other kids not to touch the presents on the floor because they belong to the goblins, but that they can't touch them either. The girls don't know why, but Bertie states he's in charge. Bertie enjoys himself, buying a bag of fudge, winning a yo-yo at the Lucky Dip and guessing the weight of a Christmas pudding (a ton).

When he comes back, Santa's Grotto is packing up and his father is unhappy. He asks where he's been and Bertie says (with his mouth full of fudge) that he popped out for a bit. Bertie's father says that he didn't tell him to "abandon" him, but Bertie says that he left someone in charge. However, Bertie's father points out that Angela and Laura let everyone in for free, which surprises Bertie. All the presents are gone and Bertie's father has saved him one (however, due to still being peeved at him, he rudely says, "I can't say you deserve it.") Bertie asks where the present on top of the pile is and Bertie's father says that he gave it to one of the girls, who were very insistent on having the "special goblin [presents] from the floor".

Bertie runs over to Angela and her mother and tries to swap the presents. She doesn't want to, so he offers fifty pence. She still won't give her present up, so he offers fifty pence and two bits of fudge. Angela gives him her present, but it's the wand he doesn't like. He then sees the girls walking off, and Laura's carrying a present which must be the egg. However, then, the story ends, leaving the conflict unresolved.

Crackers
Bertie's mother puts the phone down and states that Great-Aunt Morag is coming for Christmas. Neither she nor the rest of the family seem to like that idea. Bertie's mother says that Morag is arriving on Christmas Eve. Bertie asks if Aunt June or Uncle Ed could visit with Morag, but Aunt June has a bad back, Uncle Ed has taken Gran on a cruise and everyone else except them are away or sick. Bertie suggests saying they're sick, but his mother says that's not an option as they're not. Bertie rudely jokes that if Great-Aunt Morag comes, they will be, because they'll be sick of the sight of her. He then sulks. Suzy doesn't want Morag to sleep in her room. Their mother says that she will have to because Bertie's room is too messy. When Suzy asks where she will sleep, their mother says that she will sleep on a camp bed in Bertie's room. Suzy doesn't want to because she thinks Bertie's room smells, but Bertie claims Suzy smells, which leads to the siblings arguing over who smells. Their mother silences them and says that they will have to make the most of it and that they'd have to think of what to get Great-Aunt Morag for Christmas. Bertie doesn't know why he will have to give her presents as she doesn't give him presents. His mother says that his claim is "nonsense" because Morag got him a present the previous year. However, Bertie doesn't think that Great-Aunt Morag's present (a bookmark with the price tag still on) counts as a present. Bertie's mother says that the present doesn't need to be expensive. Bertie sighs as he has his parents, Suzy and Morag to give presents to and only fifty pence in his piggy bank.

The next day, Bertie and his mother are shopping for presents. Bertie is about to give up when he sees a box of Christmas crackers at the newsagent's window. They're too expensive, but then he decides to make his own crackers. Back in his bedroom, Bertie looks through a book of crafts and finds "crackers" on page 48. He makes a few crackers easily but still needs to find the stuff inside them. He makes paper hats and three jokes (what do you call a pirate wearing pants? Long Johns Silver, how do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it, and what's the difference between school dinner and a pile of poo? School dinner comes on a plate.) He puts the hats and jokes into the crackers but still has to find presents. He decides to get them from his box under the bed.

Then, Great-Aunt Morag arrives. Bertie and Suzy's mother asks how her trip was, but Morag just complains it was "long and tiring" and she has a headache. Mrs Burns claims that the children have been looking forward to seeing her, but Bertie asks Morag when she's leaving. Mrs Burns offers her pasta but Morag doesn't like pasta, claiming it gives her wind, and wants vegetable soup instead. During dinner, she complains about money, the weather and the trains.

At nine, she says it is time for bed. Bertie wants to stay up and play a game, but Great-Aunt Morag claims that children stay up too late and that games are noisy. Bertie wants a film but Morag doesn't like them. Bertie wants to stay up and see Father Christmas, but Morag points out that Father Christmas doesn't visit naughty children and good children go to bed when told. Bertie grumpily goes to bed.

The next day, Bertie wakes up excitedly and runs downstairs. He sees that his stocking is full and wakes everybody up. It is five o'clock, and Bertie's mother wants him to go back to bed until seven. Bertie sulkily goes back to bed. At seven, Bertie wakes up his parents again. His mother decides that they have to wait until Morag wakes up to open presents as it would be rude to do it without her and waking her up is out of the question. Suzy wakes up and asks if they can open presents, but Bertie grumpily says no.

They have breakfast and at half past nine, Morag is still asleep. Bertie's father suggests bringing her a cup of tea and he makes one out of some lukewarm tea. He brings it to her in bed, but she says she doesn't like it too hot. When he suggests she go downstairs, she says children get too many presents. Downstairs, she complains that her tea is too cold. Great-Aunt Morag gets ready and then he is finally allowed to open presents. He'd gotten a Beetle Bug board game from Ed, 20 pounds from June, and a pocket torch from Morag. Bertie says that the torch doesn't work and Great-Aunt Morag says that it needs batteries and he'd have to save up. Luckily, Bertie also received a toy car from Gran that does work. He starts to play with it, but when it bumps into the TV, Morag says she's getting another headache, so Bertie's mother tells him to turn it off. Bertie thinks that is unfair as he's only started playing with it, but his mother suggests something less noisy. He suggests his Lazer Dazer Space Gun, but she says no. Then, he wonders if he can watch TV but Morag says that kids watch too much TV, so his mother suggests he read now and watch TV later. Bertie doesn't think that he should be disallowed from toys and TV on Christmas and wonders why Great-Aunt Morag doesn't just sit in a library or a graveyard.

Several minutes later, Morag is doing a crossword and Bertie's father wonders if it's lunchtime. Bertie's mother says lunchtime isn't for an hour and Suzy suggests Bertie give his presents. At one o'clock, Bertie calls everyone to the table, which his mother laid, and his father asks what the crackers are. Bertie explains, and his mother is pleased but Great-Aunt Morag just hopes they're not noisy. Bertie misses the point and says that he couldn't find any bangs, but they could shout when they pulled them. They pull a cracker, and some Dracula teeth land in Bertie's mother's glass, shocking her. A plastic finger with fake blood and a piece of plastic dog poo also come out, grossing out his father and Suzy, especially since the plastic poo landed on the latter's plate. Morag got some sweets, which she hated, and she ran away. She then decided to go home and not come back, and Bertie's father asks what is in the sweets. He says soap was. His parents tell him off, but they cheer up when he turns the TV on.