Dirty Bertie: Loo!

'''Dirty Bertie: Loo! '''is a 2010 book.

Loo!
Bertie and his class are on a trip to a museum, where Bertie flicks Know-it-all Nick with a ruler but claims he didn't touch Nick as "he hadn't touched him, the ruler did".

When they get there, Mr Weakly leads the boys to the men's toilet but it's closed, so they go into the cafe instead. Bertie, however, doesn't need to go so he sneaks off and play video games.

By the time he's finished, he has to urinate but there's a queue and Know-it-all Nick doesn't let him cut in front so he has to go to the back. By the time he's at the front, he doesn't get a chance to go because Miss Boot leads the children into the coach.

On the coach, Bertie tries to distract himself by counting the cars but says, "thirty-loo" instead of thirty-two. He asks Darren and Eugene for advice, but they just taunt him by saying synonyms for urination (wee, wee-wee, piddle, widdle, tiddle) and singing "Does the Driver Want a Wee Wee". The latter gets Bertie in trouble as Nick says he did it. He asks Miss Boot but they're on the motorway so he sits back in his seat but is unable to sit still. (It's also raining). He gets up again but Know-it-all Nick teases him by saying, "Bertie needs the loo-hoo!". Miss Boot won't stop as she's on the motorway so she asks him to wee in a bottle, which he does. When they get back to school, he's about to throw it away but Nick takes it, thinking it's a drink.

Dig
The Burnses are at the beach and Bertie is bored. A wealthy family called the Riches show up, with their son, Bertie's rival Royston Rich. Royston says that he will win the sand castle building competition so Bertie and he make a bet on it.

That evening, at dinner, Bertie's father, who hates Royston's dad, wants to offer his advice but Bertie declines him because he'd be embarrassed if he was the only child there with an adult and his father has a habit of taking over when he helps Bertie. He then gets the idea of making a sand dog inspired by Whiffer in order to be unique and therefore win.

When he gets to the beach, he walks off without his parents but then notices that he's the only solo child and Royston's father is entering the contest too. This makes him angry. A woman who Bertie thinks looks like Miss Boot's ugly sister starts the competition and Bertie tries to use Whiffer as a model but Whiffer won't stand still and wants to dig too. His sand dog doesn't turn out so well but everyone else's sand sculptures are very fancy. When the contest ends, it starts to rain and Bertie keeps his sand dog dry with an umbrella, so he ends up winning and Royston throws a tantrum.

Move
When Bertie is watching TV, when his parents come in, announcing that they are moving house and that that's "good news". Bertie, however, doesn't want to move and even the promise of a long garden, a neighbouring park and a big bedroom for Suzy doesn't change his mind. He's even madder when his parents say that he'll be changing schools and making new friends and begins to argue with Suzy about the big bedroom.

A week passes by and moving isn't mentioned, but then Bertie sees his house on the real estate. Darren and Eugene suggest that Bertie put off the people who want to buy his house. Despite their suggestions (telling them it's falling down, there are vampires next door, there's a body in the garden or it has fleas) not sounding very convincing, Bertie does think it's a good idea and makes a plan called Operation Booby Trap: Ten Ways to Not Sell a House.

On Monday, Bertie's mother is frantic and wants him to clean up. She tells him not to touch anything and notices there's a box behind his back but he says it's just rubbish to be thrown out. When a couple named Mr and Mrs Mossop arrive, Bertie lets loose two mice, which puts them off, so Bertie's mother disallows any animals to be set free.

After a few weeks of pranking, Bertie's parents are fed up and disallow tricks. One day, a woman and her son George enter and Bertie puts a bowl of dog food into the closet to lure Whiffer into the closet. He then tells the visitor (Mrs Warner) that Whiffer died and his ghost haunts the house. This scares Mrs Warner, who thinks the dog is "awful", and when Bertie's mother tells her that Whiffer lives there, she just thinks that Bertie's mother is mad and leaves.

On Saturday, Dave and Debbie Sweetly arrive to look at the house and Bertie thinks that if roses attract people by smelling nice, he needs something that stinks and so he (reluctantly) takes some of Whiffer's poop and hides it in Suzy's jewelry box. This manages to repel the visitors and then Bertie's mother finds out that the house they wanted to has been sold.